


Unimaginable

by HappinessisJuuzou (Moongirlx)



Series: Suzuya Juuzou x Female Reader [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, CCG - Freeform, Cute, Death, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Ghouls, Sad, So much angst, Some Fluff, Suzuya Juuzou - Freeform, Violence, juuzou suzuya - Freeform, some smut, two smutty chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-06-06 04:19:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 24,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6737974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirlx/pseuds/HappinessisJuuzou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When her life changes for the worse, when she loses everything, she doesn't expect that that very night will be the beginning of something else. Something wonderful, yet scary. Something unknown, yet something she has wanted.</p><p>A death brings a new life, but what will this new life bring?</p><p>The story of a girl whose mother is on the other end of Juuzou Suzuya's knife, and of what happens afterward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Fateful Night

**Author's Note:**

> Super nervous to post this here. Cross posted to Wattpad.  
> 

It was just like any other night. A night of average temperature, and average activity. The traffic outside my apartment building began to slow down as it neared 10 p.m. I was heading into the bathroom to brush my teeth when my mom called me from the living room.

"Y/N, I'm hungry."

I put down my tooth brush and sighed inwardly. I loved her dearly, but it was starting to become frustrating. She refused to work, which put all the expenses on my paychecks, which weren't the biggest; a job at a small mom and pop sandwich shop just doesn't pay that much. She also refused to get her own food, which meant a few times a week I had to put off my  
sleep by a few hours to go out with her to get food.

"Okay mom. Let's go."

I pulled on a red flannel over my black tank top, knowing it wouldn't be that cold outside, maybe just a tad windy. Then I grabbed my purse and headed into the living room, where my mom was buttoning up her pea-coat and donning her mask. It was fuchsia, and covered her whole face, with pretty beading around the mouth area.

I reached into my purse and pulled out a black bandanna, which I tied around the lower half of my face, then tied up my h/c hair into a messy bun.

"I'm ready."

She took my hand and we walked silently through the streets. Very few cars passed by, and there were almost no pedestrians out, but what few there were, were making themselves easy prey.

Mom sniffed the air. Her head was tilted, and she veered to the right, following a scent. Her kakugan showed through the eye-holes in her mask.

She crossed the street, hand still tightly gripping mine.

"Someone smells delicious," she muttered. I grimaced behind my bandanna. I saw the person she was smelling, up ahead of us. Their white hair and small stature, the posture they assumed. It was so familiar.

_It can't be..._

"That's who I want, Y/N."

Just then they turned around to quickly glance behind themselves, and their huge crimson eyes flash under the streetlight, and I knew. I knew I couldn't kill this boy.

How could I kill someone I served sandwiches and hot cocoa to everyday at work? Someone whose gaze made my cheeks flush and palms sweat?

"Mom... Let's- Let's find someone else."

"You're going to defy my wishes, Y?N?"

I swallowed hard. "Yes mother. I can't kill him. I k-know him." This was...somewhat true. I didn't know his name, or much..well, anything really..about him, but he had lunch at the restaurant I worked at everyday. Sometimes if he saw me looking a little glum (I was usually just bored) he would tell me a few silly jokes. When he was there, the sandwich shop seemed brighter, happier.

"Fine. We'll find someone else."

The two of us ducked into an alley to get off the tracks of the boy, where we happened across an older woman, passed out drunk.

"Let's get her mom. She won't even feel it."

Mother sighed. "I guess she'll do. She doesn't smell anywhere near as delicious as your little friend, though." She chuckled. I winced and shook my head, pulling my knife out of my purse.

Crouching down by the woman, I pushed her tangled hair out of her dirty face, whispering "I'm sorry," before stabbing my knife directly into her femoral artery.

I quickly stepped out of the way of the blood squirting out of and pooling under the woman, crouching down and hugging my knees, trying to block out the sound of Mother eating off the woman.

A voice brought me out of my trance. A musical voice that sing-songed the words, "Well, well, well... What do we have here?"

Looking up, I saw the boy, standing in the dark entrance of the alley, the streetlights outlining his shadow.

Your mother looked up as well, blood staining the beading on her mask. "Y/N, he's seen too much."

I knew what she was implying, but I was frozen. None of this seemed real. No one had ever seen us before.

The boy laughed cheerily, completely out of place in this dingy, blood-filled alleyway.

"I'm Suzuya Juuzou" the boy announced, pointing to himself. "CCG investigator. Which means I kill ghouls. Which means I'm going to kill you."

He pulled out 2 knives from inside his white shirt, and ran towards Mother. I instinctively threw myself in front of her, arms raised defensively in front of my face. His knife slashed my arm, and I cried out. Then bandanna slipped down my face and he paused, though he didn't look too surprised.

"Oh, Y/N, I thought I recognized your e/c eyes. Now get out of the way! I don't want to have to hurt you~" All my strength wasn't enough, and I fell to the ground, elbows scraping the pavement, as he pushed me out of the way.

Mother was open to his attack, she was vulnerable. She didn't know how to fight, she couldn't even kill her own meals. I had never even seen her kagune.

"Please, no..." I whimpered, right before her head fell to the ground.


	2. Aftermath

  
  
  
I let out a bloodcurdling scream, unable to believe my eyes. My mother's eyes were still open. Sobbing, I reached a shaking hand forward and closed them,  whispering, "I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry I failed you."

"This is very touching and all.." a voice startled me; I'd forgotten the white haired boy was still there.

"But someone will be coming to clean up the body soon, and I'm going to have to take you back to headquarters for some questioning."

I let out a wordless snarl and rushed towards him, hands reaching for him, my only thought was to do everything in my power to make him feel the pain mother felt. Right before my hands made contact with his neck, his hands grasped my wrists and pushed me ever so slightly away from him, that same laugh escaping his lips again. At work, in the brightly lit, cheerful sandwich shop, I'd found his laugh adorable. Here, in this setting, it was creepy.

I struggled to escape from his grip, but he was too strong.

"C'mon Y/N, don't put up a fight. What's the use? One way or another I will get you down to headquarters with me." He lowered his voice to a whisper, "We've been watching you for a while."

"Goodbye mama," I whispered as he pulled me away from the scene.

"In a way, I know how you feel Y/N. I was taken away from my mama. She was a bad lady, just like your mama. She killed a lot of people."

"My mother didn't kill anyone." I mumbled, trying again to free my wrist from his grasp.

"Oh, my mistake. You're right, she made you do all her killing for her!" he replied, smiling. I felt his crimson gaze on my face, and avoided looking at him, staring instead at the ground.

I remained silent. He was right. My mother had never killed a soul in her life, but that didn't make her any less guilty. I'd been killing for her since the age of seven, and before that, who knows.

The truth was, my mother wasn't my biological mother. Obviously, since I'm not a ghoul. She was best friends with my bio mother, and when she was violently killed by a ghoul and left for dead, not even consumed for a meal, my mother took me in. I was only two.

Raising a human child must have been challenging for her, and I'm sure it made it even more difficult seeing her best friend reflected in me each and every day. It must have made the loss that much more painful. But she always did her best for me. She cooked me human food even though it disgusted her and she sent me to school each and every day. I don't know how she paid the bills before I got a job, but she managed. I shudder to think about how she got the money.

Looking down at my wrist, still within the grasp of the boy's stitched hand, an interesting mix of emotions flooded through me. I was filled with sorrow and hatred, but at the same time, my stomach was uneasy with butterflies. I couldn't believe I was feeling that at such a time, and especially with the person who had just murdered my mother moments ago. I must be in shock. If I was in my right mind these thoughts wouldn't be occurring. Yeah, that's it.

******

Somehow, as I was pulled along the streets by the boys fast pace, I ended up walking side by side with him.

"Y/N, do me a favor and let's not make this look like a hostage situation. It's attracting unwanted attention," he whispered with a smile.

 _But it is a hostage situation..._ I thought as he adjusted his hand so it was no longer gripping my wrist but instead holding my hand, not in the way two lovers would, but in the way a guardian would hold the hand of a small child.

My face immediately grew hot. _Was this actually necessary..._ However, he was right. No one was staring at us anymore, we just looked like an ordinary "couple" now.

"Okay Y/N, we're here!" I looked up, faced with an enormous white building.

The CCG building.


	3. CCG

  
  
  
Suzuya swiped his ID card and let the two of us into the massive building. 

"Could- could you let go of my hand now, please..." I mumbled.

"Nope! Sorry, Y/N." he answered gleefully. If anything his grip tightened. He led the way through rows of empty cubicles and offices until he arrived at a pair of cubicles next to each other.

"Now we sit here and wait until my annoying colleague comes back." He gestured to the excessively neat desk across from his own. "He'll be the one questioning you."

Suzuya finally let go of my hand and perched himself on his colleagues desk, gesturing for me to sit down in the chair at his own desk.

Staring awkwardly down at the floor, I noticed a splatter of blood on my white shoes. I swallowed hard.

_Is that... the drunk woman's blood...or my mother's..._

Suzuya seemed to be quite capable of entertaining himself through this awkward silence, he was humming quietly to himself and admiring the stitched pattern on his arm.

_I wonder if that's a new pattern..._

_Stop_.

 _Why do you care about anything having to do with him? He killed your mother less than an hour ago_ , I reminded myself.

Suddenly he jumped off the desk and laughed out loud. "I just remembered! It's after 11 p.m. No one will be here until 8 a.m tomorrow." I stared at him blankly. He grinned back. "Sorry Y/N-chan. Uh...I guess I can take you back to your house, but since I can't let you get away, I'll have to stay there and watch you."

"I don't want you in my house." I stated flatly, crossing my arms across my chest.

"And I don't really want to be in your house. But I also don't want to put you in a holding cell." The goofy grin never left his face.

I sighed and nodded resignedly, following him out of the building. Right before reaching the exit, he grabbed my hand, this time lacing his fingers between mine. Rolling my eyes I ignored the way my heart skipped a beat.

The walk to my apartment was quick, Suzuya practically skipping, I had to power walk to keep up with him.

As we arrived, I realized that I hadn't given him any guidance as to which way to go. "H-how do you know where I live..."

He giggled. "I told you, we've been watching you for a while now, Y/N."

I wasn't sure whether to be creeped out or embarrassed. It ended up falling somewhere in between the two.

I let myself in with the key, and Suzuya followed, kicking off his red slippers at the door. I slid off my shoes too, shuddering again at the sight of the blood stain.

"Okay Y/N, here's how it's going to work. I'm going to sleep sitting up by the front door, so if you try to escape during the night, I'll wake up instantly. I'm a very light sleeper. And you're going to sleep on the couch."

I rolled my eyes and sighed at the bossy tone in his voice, but couldn't help admiring the way he smiled after every sentence, rocking back and forth on his heels as he spoke.

Fortunately, being exhausted, I slept through the night. I woke up at 7:30 am, stretching and almost falling off the couch. I caught myself, but my leg hit the coffee table, giving off a loud thud, and a cry of "ow!"

I looked over at the door, where Suzuya sat, head rested against the door frame, mouth hanging open, snoring softly. _Light sleeper my ass..._

I walked over to him, whispering his name. I was scared to touch him. Finally I had no choice but to lightly touch one of his hands, and his crimson eyes popped open. "Good morning Y/N-chan. Have a nice sleep?"

_How was he so awake instantly after being woken up..._

"Uh..yeah..sure."

My stomach rumbled.

"I heard that! We should get breakfast before we head over to headquarters."

Shrugging, I headed for my bedroom. "I need to change, I'll be out in five."

I pulled on a clean shirt and jeans, hardly able to believe that I went to sleep last night in the clothes I was wearing when my mother was killed.

I quickly brushed my teeth and ran my fingers through my hair in an attempt to comb it before going back out into the living room, to find Suzuya lounging on the couch.

He sat up quickly. "Sorry Y/N-chan! Ready to go?"

I nodded and grabbed my purse before going towards the door to slip on my shoes. As I put them on, I noticed something was missing. The blood stain. _What...?_

"Uh, Suzuya, did you..uh.. did you clean my shoes off last night? There was... blood on them..."

He grinned big and nodded. "I couldn't sleep, and I figured you wouldn't want to look at that~"

"Thank you..that was really nice."

"By the way Y/N, you can call me Juuzou now. I have a feeling we're going to become kind of close considering all the time you'll need to be spending at headquarters."

I bit my lip to hide the smile that was forming there. "Okay," I murmured, and followed him out the door.

****Juuzou's point of view****

_It probably wasn't necessary to sleep at her house last night. But I knew Seidou would be irritated if I let her escape before he got to question her, and I really don't want to_ _hear_ _his annoying voice yelling at me. Plus, being around her is nice. I feel something that I've never felt before._ _I don't know what this feeling is, but it's nice._ _I know she probably hates me because I killed her mother, but maybe someday that hate for me will go away when she realizes I was just doing my job_ _!_

******

We had only walked about a block when Juuzou stopped in his tracks. "Y/N! Wait! Hand." He extended his with a smile, and I felt I had no choice but to take it.

"What am I, a toddler?" I muttered. He ignored my comment and swung our linked hands merrily, humming a tune to himself.

"Once we get to the building, I'll leave you there and go get some sandwiches! I'm starving. But we're already late so I don't want to stop." He pouted a little as he said this.

******

We reached the building without event, and he left me in his shared cubicle while he went out to get sandwiches. I _was_ starving, but didn't want to admit that to him. After only 2 minutes of waiting, a rather plain, brown haired young man came in with a clipboard and sat down across from me, crossing his legs stiffly.

"Hello Y/N-chan. I'm Seidou Takizawa. Let's start your questioning."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope any readers are enjoying this :)


	4. Questioning

  
  
  
"So, Asahara Sakiko was your biological mother, correct?" Seido asked, sitting up straight and proper in his chair.

"Yes."

"And Fukuyama Tatsu was your uh, 'adopted' mother?"

"She never legally adopted me, but she may as well have been my mother. She's the only person I refer to as my mother. She took care of me since I was 2."

"Well, don't you mean that _you_ took care of _her?_ According to your file, you've been killing for her since you were 7."

I looked up at him for the first time, shocked. _How did he know all this...File? Juuzou was right...they had been watching me for a long time..._

"Well, yes... But she provided for me for all those years. We helped each other out, like a family should."

"Even when it means killing for one another? How far does family loyalty go?"

Rage burned inside my chest. "Can you just.. Can you just leave it alone? Please?"

Seido cleared his throat awkwardly. "Let's move on then. How much do you remember about the murder of your bio mother?"

"N-not much.. really.. I was only 2. All I know is what I've been told. That she was killed by some random g-ghoul...and left in the street... My mother told me once I got a little older..old enough to understand..."

Seido looked at me curiously. "Y/N-chan, you were told that Asahara was killed by a random ghoul? Your mother lied to you. She killed Asahara."

"What? No, that's not true. There was no reason for my mother to kill her best friend. That simply doesn't make sense, Seido-san." I chucked a little, the notion was so ridiculous.

"I can show you the police report..." Seido ruffled through his papers until he pulled out a manila folder. He handed it to me.

My hands shaking, I took the folder and slowly opened it. Inside there was an old photo of my mother, including a lot of details about her; birthday, blood type, kagune type, etc. On the next page, there was a transcript of the 119 call she made after attacking Asahara.

_Operator: 119 what is your emergency?_

_Fukuyama Tatsu: ... I think..I think...I killed her..._

_Operator: Ma'am? Does the victim have a pulse? We'll be dispatching someone immediately. Please remain at the scene._

_Fukuyama: I don't.... I don't think so... There's so much blood..._

_Operator: The response team will be there shortly ma'am. Can you stay on the line with me? What is your name?_

_Fukuyama: I was just... I was so hungry_

_*click* Call disconnected._

_When officers arrived at the scene, the caller was nowhere to be found, and the victim, identified as Asahara Sakiko was pronounced dead at the scene. Under her fingernails was DNA, confirming her murderers identity as that of Fukuyama Tatsu. There were no witnesses._

****Juuzou's point of view****

_I wonder how Y/N is doing...hmmm. I sure hope Seido isn't annoying her too much. I should go see how she is. Maybe she needs a coffee break!_

I climbed down from the roof top where I sat when I needed to clear my head, and headed into the building.

I reached the cubicle he shared with Seido, and peered sneakily around the corner of the wall.

_What's going on? Why is Y/N crying? Ohhh, I will kill Seido._

******

As I finished reading the transcript, tears falling freely down my face now, Juuzou barged in without knocking.

"Seido, what did you do to Y/N?" He asked, his voice too loud and his face way too close to Seido's.

"N-nothing Suzuya-kun, I was just telling her the truth."

Seeing Juuzou's familiar face (though now with an irritated look on it), and the realization that the only time I'd felt safe all day was when he arrived (which was ironic), was enough to make me get up and lean into him, throwing my arms around him. I felt his body tense up, and immediately became embarrassed by my actions. I pulled away quickly, and he tilted his head at me, then grinned and awkwardly patted me on the arm.

"C'mon Y/N-chan, let's go for coffee!"

I nodded, wiping the tears from my cheeks, trailing after Juuzou as he left the cubicle. I looked back at Seido, who was putting his papers back in order, a confused look on his face.

I'd never been happier to walk outside of a building, the air hit my face and I breathed deeply. Though something was missing... Juuzou wasn't holding my hand. I took that as a sign that he trusted me not to run away, or maybe that they no longer needed me for questioning, but also felt a slight sting of rejection.

_Don't be stupid. There was never anything behind the hand-holding besides practicality. And you knew that._

But the truth was...just like the CCG had been watching me for a while... I had also been watching Juuzou for a while. And now with my mother being gone, he was the only familiar thing left. I had no friends, having been raised by a ghoul. Yes, he had killed Mother. My only family. But with this new information, I was no longer sure how to feel about her death. Yes, she still raised me... but I realized now that it was only out of obligation. Part of me... was relieved that she was gone. I no longer had to murder for her. The other part, was miserable. It felt like a hole had opened up in my gut. I was all alone in the world.


	5. Coffee

We went to a random coffee shop Juuzou had selected, in lieu of his favorite shop- the one I worked at. I didn't feel like going there and having to explain why I'd been MIA.

Sitting down at a table, I was sure the two of us made an interesting pair; myself in a hoodie with the hood pulled up to hide my uncombed hair, e/c eyes red-rimmed and swollen from crying, and Juuzou, looking his usual adorable self, perched strangely on the coffee shops chair, seemingly unable to sit still as we waited for our order.

My appetite long gone, I ordered just a cup of coffee, with lots of creamer. Mom used to joke that I only liked a little bit of coffee with my creamer. I smiled briefly at the memory, but the fleeting happiness was squelched by the harsh reality of my situation.

Grief must've shown on my face, because when Juuzou looked up from the piece of cake he was eating, his face was face was slightly puzzled.

"Y/N-chan... are you ok?"

I nodded, wiping my eyes quickly. I'd just put my hands back down on the table when Juuzou awkwardly reached out his own hand and put it over mine.

"It's...It's gonna be okay Y/N."

The warmth of his hand on mine was comforting and I turned my hand over so our palms were touching. I was scared to move, scared to even breathe lest I ruin this moment suspended in time. This felt different from holding hands in the street, this felt more.. intimate.

Juuzou giggled. "You're blushing, Y/N."

"Shut up, I am not." I protested, feeling my cheeks grow even hotter.

But I didn't move my hand.

"Juuzou... I don't want to go back to the CCG today... Do I have to?"

"I can cover for you, if you want! Today is my day off, anyway~" He smiled at me.

"If it's your day off, why were you there earlier?"

"Because I didn't want you to be there alone, silly," he stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

The butterflies in my stomach fluttered, and for a moment, I could almost pretend that everything was okay. That I wasn't sitting here with this cute boy because I'd just found out my dead mother had lied to me for practically my whole life. That my whole existence hadn't just been shattered.

I was shaken from my thoughts by the waitress coming with the bill. I reached for my wallet, but Juuzou grabbed my hand again. "Nope, it's on me!"

"But Juuzou..."

"No but's Y/N-chan, I insist!" he beamed at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

He closed out the check, and we left the shop.

"Thank you..for the coffee Juuzou."

He acknowledged me with a small chuckle and a smile.

Without overthinking things, I moved closer to him and kissed him on the cheek. He looked at me, his mouth a small "o" of surprise, before quickly looking away and announcing "I'm going to walk you home Y/N-chan. It's getting dark and I don't want you walking the streets alone. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you!"

_Why did I do that...that was so embarrassing...I definitely weirded him out..._

The two of us strolled down the street, hand in hand. It was obvious he was trying to match my pace instead of going at his usual quick pace.

I felt safe in his presence, but I also had that strange chill on the back of my neck that accompanies the feeling of being followed or watched.

I thought I heard footsteps behind us a few times, but was too scared to mention it to Juuzou in case whoever was there heard me.

Suddenly Juuzou pulled me closer and whispered into my ear "I don't want you to be afraid Y/N, but a ghoul has been following us for a few blocks now."

I began to tremble. I gripped Juuzou's hand as a dark figure cut into our path. The ghoul was very tall, and quite strong looking. He rushed towards me, throwing Juuzou out of his way and pinning me against the wall. His breath reeked and he stared me down with his kakugan, drool forming in the corners of his mouth.

I was pinned for merely a few seconds before Juuzou ran at the ghoul, stabbing him in the side with a knife he must've pulled out of his shirt. "Run, Y/N-chan!"

I didn't hesitate, and ran a few feet into a nearby alley, where I crouched down, hugging my knees. I just hoped Juuzou would be okay, he was so small compared to that ghoul. But he's strong.

_I suppose I shouldn't underestimate his abilities...he is a CCG investigstor after all._

"Hang in there! Hang in there!" I heard Juuzou call out, followed by a groan and a thud. 

"Awww." Juuzou said rather dejectedly.

Then footsteps came towards the alley. I stood up, just as Juuzou turned into the alley. Both of his shirts were soaked with blood, it was in his hair too, and dripping down the porcelain skin of his cheek.

"Juuzou.." I gasped, and ran towards him. "Are you hurt?"

"Oh, Y/N-chan, don't worry! All this blood? None of it's mine!~" He laughed musically.

"Oh thank goodness." I took a deep breath. "Juuzou...you can't be walking the streets covered in blood. Let's hurry to my house, you can get cleaned up there."

******

"The bathroom is right over there, I'll bring you some towels and collect your shirt to be put in the washing machine."

I hurried to grab towels and a baggy t-shirt from my closet, and then knocked at the door, only to find out it wasn't latched, so it pushed open slightly with the force of my knock. I caught a brief glimpse of Juuzou--shirtless! Blushing, I averted my eyes quickly.

"J-Juuzou.. I brought the towels."

Much to my surprise he opened the door fully, still shirtless. I couldn't stop myself from looking.

He was lean, yet muscular, and the red stitching that started on his neck continued down his abdomen.

He was beautiful.

"Um...h-here are your towels. Can I have your shirt?" I tried really hard not to stare..but I wasn't succeeding.

"Y/N-chan what's wrong? Oh- are you embarrassed because I'm not wearing a shirt? I'm sorry!" He held the towels up to his chest, a sheepish grin on his face.

"N-no , Juuzou, it's okay. I... I love those stitches..Can...can I..."

He seemed to pick up on what I was trying to say without me actually having to verbalize it. "Yes, you can touch them, Y/N-chan." He giggled and set the towels down on the sink.

I reached out a tentative hand towards his chest, gently touching a row of the red "X's". Not knowing what came over me, I moved on to the next row, slowly tracing the pattern down his abdomen.

I was nearing the end of the trail of red where it stopped above his belly button, but before I could get there he grabbed my wrist.

"Oh- sorry, I didn't mean to-"

He interrupted me by pulling me towards him. Pressed against his body, I felt his warm skin through my shirt. He let go of my wrist and instead put his hands on the small of my back, urging me closer to him.

I stared up into his crimson eyes, noticing the smile turning up the corners of his lips. He leaned down, pressing his lips gently against mine.

I kissed him back, hesitantly at first. As the kiss intensified, I found myself being pinned against the wall, Juuzou's hands holding my wrists above my head. He moved down from my lips and placed kisses on my earlobes, neck, and collarbones, gently sucking and biting the skin.

He raised his lips back to my own and kissed them again, chastely, before releasing me.

I inhaled deeply, trying to regain control of my breathing. "Y-you should shower now, Juuzou."

He flashed a huge smile. "You're right, Y/N-chan."

I grabbed his bloody shirts from where they lay on the floor, and left the bathroom, hardly able to believe that had just happened.

I threw his shirt in the washing machine, though I thought it unlikely all the blood would come out.

Juuzou emerged from the bathroom in the shirt I let him borrow and his black pants, which miraculously had not gotten dirty in the fight with the ghoul. He flopped down on the couch next to me.

"I should get going, Y/N-chan. I'll pick up my shirt tomorrow...unless...you want me to stay..." His words trailed off, a question in his voice.

I leaned my head on his shoulder. "A-actually... I would love it if you stayed. This apartment is...too big for just one person."

He put an arm around my shoulders, and I leaned into him, noticing how he wasn't having any trouble sitting still like he usually did.

_Is_ _it possible that_ _I have_ _the same calming effect on him as he does on_ _me?_

After an hour of sitting on the couch together, chatting and laughing about random things, I realized I was exhausted.

"Juuzou...I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm so tired. I'll see you in the morning.." I stood up, then thought twice, and leaned down, kissing his cheek softly. "Goodnight Juuzou.."

****Juuzou's point of view****

I woke up from a sound sleep, wondering what had woken me up. Then I heard a soft sobbing, coming from the other room.

_I hope Y/N is okay..I should go check on her..._

I got up from the couch just as the sobbing got a little louder.

Rushing into her room, I saw that she was asleep.

I perched on the side of the bed and gently shook her shoulder. "Y/N-chan..wake up"

She opened her eyes, startled. "Whaa..."

"You were crying in your sleep, Y/N-chan. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I must've had a bad dream...but..Juuzou...I'm so alone. I  have no one now..." She began to sob again.

I reached out my hand and put it on yours, tracing circles on your skin with my fingertips. "You have me.." I whispered, so quietly, I wasn't sure if she heard me.

_She's calmed down...I should go back to the couch and let her go back to sleep.._

I got up from the bed and started to walk away.

"Juuzou... can you stay?" Y/N whispered.

Without hesitating, I got into her bed, and wrapped my arms around her.

_What is this I'm feeling...I've never wanted to protect someone as badly as I want to protect her. I need to keep her safe...she's so precious. This is such a strange feeling...I'm so calm around her. It makes me feel like everything will be okay. The only two people I've ever cared about were Mama and Shinohara-san...Mama just hurt me, and Shinohara-san has been hurt many times...I don't care if I get hurt..but I don't want to care about Y/N-chan..because then she might get hurt._

Even though my thoughts took this dark turn, I know I'm not going to distance myself from her.


	6. Work

  
  
  
I woke up the next morning a little startled to find there were arms around me. I looked at the arms, and saw the red stitching on the right one, and that's when the events of last night came rushing back.

_How embarrassing...I can't believe I asked Juuzou to stay...and then asked him to stay in my bed..he must think I'm pathetic...or worse.._

The arms retracted from around my body, and Juuzou sat up, yawning and stretching with a little squeak.

"Good morning Juuzou..I'm so sorry about last night. I shouldn't have asked you to stay..."

"Don't be silly Y/N-chan!~ Sleeping next to you was so nice, even though you snore a little"

I groaned. "Shut up Juuzou, that's so embarrassing..."

Juuzou got out of bed, his hair standing up in the back. Stifling a laugh, I asked, "I'm guessing you have to go to work today, huh?"

Juuzou's face fell a little. "Yeah, I do...but afterwards I can walk you home from work if you'd like~"

Hearing that cheered me up, but I was not looking forward to going back to work. It wasn't the best environment there, and I knew I'd  have to explain where I'd been the past two days.

"Well, I have to shower, Juuzou. I'll see you later, okay?"

He nodded and smiled. "I'll be at the shop for lunch too~"

******

I arrived at work, extremely anxious. But much to my surprise... no one even looked at me strangely. Had they not noticed my absence? I didn't think that was likely.

I'd been there an hour when my favorite coworker, Yoriko, came in. She was the only person I could stand at this shop. Everyone else was so hostile.

She hurried into the shop, five minutes late for her shift. "Hi Y/N-chan!! Are you feeling better?" She squealed.

_Feeling better..?_

"Your friend came in yesterday and told us you were feeling pretty sick the past few days...I forgot his name, but he's always in here on his lunch breaks." She smiled at me.

_Juuzou...that boy is one of the sneakiest yet kindest people I've ever met..._

"Oh, I'm feeling a lot better now Yoriko-chan. Thank you!"

I smiled at her and went back to washing the dishes.

12pm passed and Juuzou didn't come in for his lunch.

_He must have gotten hung up at work..._

Around 1pm, a group of men came into the shop and sat there chatting before they placed their orders.

I was able to hear snippets of the conversation.

"Group of ghouls attacked a college in the 16th ward..."

"All over the news..."

"Lots of innocent people dead..."

"Ten CCG investigators killed..."

I froze, my blood running cold.

_Juuzou..._

******

The rest of my shift dragged on, the remaining five hours felt like twelve hours, I just needed to know if Juuzou was okay.

At 6pm I exited the shop, surprised to see Juuzou leaning against the wall near the door.

Relief flooded through my body, and my legs felt weak.

"Juuzou..you're okay.."

He looked at me, something in his expression was off, there was a disconnect in his eyes.

"Juuzou..what's wrong?" I asked, placing my hand on his arm hesitantly.

"Ten of my colleagues are dead. One of them was Seidou."

I gasped. Juuzou's voice was flat. Didn't he care?

"I'm..I'm so sorry Juuzou..."

"Let's go Y/N-chan. These streets....are too dangerous."

He was quiet the entire walk home, and he didn't hold my hand.

I held back tears. _I wish he'd would talk to me..._

"Juuzou...will you come in? I'll make us some hot cocoa."

He smiled briefly, and nodded.

******

The two of us sat at my kitchen table, Juuzou staring into his cup of cocoa, and me staring at Juuzou.

"It's okay to be sad about the deaths of your colleagues.." I started.

"Oh, Y/N-chan, I'm not sad about that. I'm not sad at all. But I did find out some information today...and while I'm not sad...I'm feeling a little...scared."

I scooted my chair closer to his, worry clouding my eyes.

"Scared of what, Juuzou? What did you find out?"

"Before the whole college attack happened..I overheard some of my bosses talking...about...you. There are a lot of ghouls who want to kill you...because of who your mother was. As you know she wasn't an innocent woman... and your bio mother was not her only victim. Your mother killed a lot of people, and not for food. Just out of spite. She was somewhat of a serial killer. She killed humans, but she killed more of her own kind. You're not safe, Y/N-chan...I can't be there to protect you all the time...because of work..that's why...I want to train you."

I blinked back tears. This was all just a reminder that my whole life was a lie. With each new piece of information I found out about my mother, I was more and more grateful to Juuzou for taking me away from her.

"Y/N-chan...why are you crying?" Seeing all the concern in his eyes was too much for me, I leaned in and kissed him.

He was startled, but kissed me back for a bit before pulling away, surprise still written on his face.

"W-will you let me train you? To protect yourself?" he asked in a quiet voice.

I nodded.

He grinned, it was the first positive emotion I'd seen on his face that night. "We'll start tomorrow~"

He moved closer to me again. "Now...what were we doing?"

He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me. It quickly became heated and passionate.

I broke off the kiss and stood up, extending my hand to him. "Follow me.." My cheeks were flushed, my voice expectant.

He took my hand and followed me, to my bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, the next chapter is smut. If you skip it, you won't miss any plot.


	7. Firsts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm taking the plunge and posting the smut chapter up here. Feel free to skip this chapter if you don't want to read it, and you won't miss any plot ok c:  
> Also I am very new at writing porn so please be gentle lol

Once we entered the bedroom, Juuzou pressed me against the closed door and kissed me, hands tangled in my hair.

My hands moved to the buttons on his shirt and fumbled there for a bit before managing to get all of them undone (curse having long nails...).

His shirt fell to the floor and he was left in his black tank top. I broke away from the kiss and instead kissed his neck, biting it gently, but not enough to leave a mark.

He unzipped my hoodie and pulled it off of me, letting it fall to the floor.

Next to come off was my tank top and I was left standing there in my bra.

Nervousness flooded my body. "I've...I've never done this before.." I muttered, embarrassed.

Juuzou tilted my chin up and met my eyes. "Neither have I, Y/N-chan. If you want to stop, just tell me, and we will~"

"I don't want to stop. But...do you want to?"

Juuzou shook his head. "No, I want to do this. With you."

I pecked his lips and then kissed down his throat, trailing my lips over the soft, stitched skin there.

I pulled off his tank top, marveling again at his beauty. Running my hands down his abdomen, I reached the waist of his pants, unbuttoning them and sliding my hand inside, feeling the hard bulge through his underwear. I smiled, happy that he was as excited as I was.

I removed my hand from inside his pants and instead laced both hands through his white locks, tugging on them gently as I kissed him, grazing my teeth against his lip, eliciting a faint moan from his throat.

He caressed my breasts through my bra, before asking for permission to take it off. took a deep breath and nodded, and he reached behind me and fumbled with my bra slightly before unhooking it. The cool air hit my now-naked breasts, causing the nipples to harden.

With one hand he rolled a nipple between his fingers, while the other hand snaked down my stomach and under the band of my skirt. He teased my thighs with his fingertips, causing me to become wetter and wetter without actually touching my sex.

"Juuzou.." I whimpered, unable to take the suspense any longer.

"Yes my dear?" He sung, barely grazing his fingers over my outer lips.  I caught my breath, biting my lip to hold back a moan. "Please..."

And then, finally, his fingers made contact with my clit, rubbing circles over it through my underwear.

"Is this... Is this okay?" He asked somewhat shyly.

"Mmm, yes." A moan escaped my lips.

Encouraged, he moved my underwear out of the way and slipped a finger inside me, moving it slowly before adding another finger, his other hand still paying attention to my breasts, switching between them, pinching and rolling the nipples between his fingers.

My knees felt weak, and I held onto his shoulders for support.

He slid his hand out of my skirt, and picked me up easily, carrying me the few feet over to the bed.

He set me down carefully, then pulled my skirt off. My underwear were then the last to go, and I lay there, fully naked, completely vulnerable to him.

He continued to rub my clit, with no underwear between it and his fingers now. The feeling was intense, and I clutched the blanket, whimpered moans consistently coming out of my lips, unable to keep quiet now.

I felt a pressure building up in my lower stomach, an unknown feeling.Then it was as if I had no control over my body, the walls of my sex spasmed, my toes curled, I cried out Juuzou's name at the peak of my orgasm.

A feeling of relaxation came over me then, and Juuzou crawled on top of me kissing my breasts and neck.

I reached down between his legs, rubbing him through his pants.

"Oh, these should probably come off" he muttered, laughing to himself a little. He seemed embarrassed as he dropped his pants.

"Are you okay? We don't have to do this, Juuzou."

"No, no, I want to, Y/N-chan."

He got back on top of me, only in his underwear now. I reached down and pulled his cock out of his boxers, stroking it a few times before he stopped me.

He positioned himself between my hips, then leaned down. I thought he was going to kiss my lips, but instead he kissed the tip of my nose. I giggled, and responded by planting kisses all over his face, lightening the intensity of the moment.

Then I kissed him, deeply, urging my hips towards him, guiding him inside me.

It hurt, there was an intense stretching feeling, but he paused, letting me get used to having him inside of me.

He waited for me to nod in permission before he began to thrust in and out. I grabbed onto him, holding him as we rocked back and forth together, lifting up my hips to meet his thrusts.

I felt an orgasm building again and raked my nails down his back as I came for the second time. A few seconds after that, he moaned, coming as well.

He lay next to me, both of us out of breath, and, arms around each other, we drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read my smut thank you and I hope you enjoyed it. xD


	8. Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so if you skipped the previous chapter, basically they did the thing and then fell asleep together. Picking up from there. ^.^

"Y/N-chan....Y/N-chan~" is the first thing I heard the next morning. The sing-song voice dragged me from my dreams.

I was always cranky in the mornings, and today was no exception. The first expression my face carried was a frown.

But when I finally opened my eyes, and saw his ruby reds staring right at me, I couldn't help but smile.

He rubbed the tip of his nose against mine, "Good morning Y/N-chan!~"

I groaned a little and rubbed my eyes. "Good morning Juuzou. Why am I awake so early, on my day off.."

I pretended to be mad but was actually thrilled that he'd woken me up, it meant more time to spend with him.

"Awww, are you mad at me?" He pouted and cuddled up to me. "I woke you up so we could start your training today! I took the day off~"

He peered at me, noticing my sleepy eyes. "But you have to wake up so we can do that!"

He suddenly grabbed my sides and began to tickle them, causing me to scream and struggle to move away from him.

"Juuzou!! Stop~!!!" I shouted through uncontrollable laughter. He took his hands away from my stomach and I took a deep breath, finally able to relax.

Thirty seconds later he began to tickle my thighs. This was even worse.

"No!~"

I tried to grab his hands to stop them but he was too fast, his fingers danced over my skin.

"You can't escape the tickle monster~"

Not only was the tickling unbearably, but his hands on my thighs were bringing up certain feelings. Memories of yesterday swarmed through my head. It had been amazing but.... shit!

"Juuzou." I blurted loudly. He looked me in the eyes, reading my face and withdrawing his hands.

"I'm sorry Y/N-chan..I didn't mean to make you upset." He gazed at me, a rare frown turning down his lips, eyes wide.

"No no, you didn't. But... Yesterday. We didn't... Use protection."

A strange expression came across Juuzou's face. It was an expression I'd never see on him before, and I couldn't read it at all.

"Y/N-chan you didn't realize...I guess that's a good thing, it probably would've freaked you out. "

I was starting to worry. "What?"

"I can't get you pregnant Y/N-chan. I can't get anyone pregnant for that matter." His brow furrowed.

"I don't have the right parts," he said slowly.

I felt my facial expression contort into one of utter confusion.

"But... We had sex..."

"Oh, of course I have a dick~" he giggled as my eyes widened at his frank statement.

"I just don't have the other parts. Mama took those away from me a long time ago." He looked away from me.

I could feel my heart breaking for him. I couldn't even imagine all the abuse he must have been put through at the hands of that woman. I hoped someday he'd be able to talk about it.

For now, I turned to him and pulled him into my arms. "I'm sorry Juuzou." I whispered into his neck.

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong Y/N-chan."

I shook my head in response and cuddled up to him more.

_I'm sorry that happened to you..._

We remained that way for ten minutes before Juuzou started to get restless. He had too much energy for this time of day. I was still waking up.

"'Y/N-chan! We need to start your training. Cmon cmon cmon." He whined a little, sounding like a little kid for a second.

My heart swelled, he was so precious.

I dragged myself out of bed for his sake, trying to dress quickly while he went to use the restroom.

He walked back into the room just as I was pulling my shirt on.

I blushed as he stared at me.

"Juuzou..." I protested, embarrassed.

He shrugged, unfazed, grabbing my hand and pulling me out the door and into the living room.

"Grab your knife~" he called as he skipped out the front door.

_Knife? What? You definitely were not going to use your knife on him... This boy..._

I grabbed it off the table anyway and followed him out the door.

 

******

I was only slightly surprised when Juuzou took me to the roof of the CCG building for my training. I knew he spent a lot of time up on the roof, and I had to admit it was a safe place to practice, where no one would call the police if they witnessed us fighting.

"Okay Y/N-chan. I know you're not defenseless- you've been killing since a young age. Kind of like me! But I also know that you don't like hurting people. In order to keep yourself safe you're gonna have to get over that~"

"Juuzou...maybe this training isn't a good idea..I don't want to end up hurting you..."

"You won't hurt me, trust me! And if you cut me, I can just stitch myself up," he stated matter-of-factly. 

_He had a point...but still..._

I shrugged my shoulders, making my decision. "Fine, but this was your idea, remember."

He nodded, his smile huge.

Then without another word, he ran away from me, towards the other side of the roof.

I was confused for a second, but his plans were made clear when he ran back, his small frame hurtling towards me like a cannonball.

I  planted my feet, hands up. _Is this right?_

_How am I supposed to fight him off without a weapon...what is he even going to do..._

Before I knew it he was right in front of me, his fist swinging towards me.

Instead of dodging his punch, I caught his fist and pushed him away from me, using all my strength.

He stumbled back a few inches, while I toppled over from exerting that force against him.

_Am I really this weak...How have I not been killed yet..._

Juuzou extended a hand to me, helping me up. 

"Your reflexes are good, Y/N-chan. A better move would have been to dodge me though. And try not to fall over next time," he giggled.

'We're going to stick to not using weapons until you've improved a little, I don't want you to accidentally hurt yourself."

I rolled my eyes and again planted my feet, fists up, taking a defensive stance.

He turned away from me and I expected him to run away and then double back again, but he instead spun around and aimed a kick my way. I was taken by surprise and unable to dodge it or block it, so the blow landed on my thigh.

My leg gave out and I fell to the floor again. My leg throbbed and I knew a bruise would form later.

Instead of helping me up, Juuzou flopped down on the ground next to me.

"I'm sorry about that Y/N-chan. I should go a little easier..."

"No," I grit my teeth, "Don't go easy on me. Anyone that means to hurt me, will not be going easy on me. So how am I supposed to learn if you do?"

"That's my girl!!" He chuckled and stood up, then helped me up.

"Now I want you to try attacking me~"

I looked at him. His body was relaxed, he stood in front of me with his hands at his sides, tapping his foot to a tune he had begun to hum. Either he really doubted my skills or his reflexes were just that fast.

I ran towards him, hands reaching for his neck. Flashbacks of the night my mother was killed flooded my mind. I'd run at him this same exact way that night.

And just like that night, he easily grabbed my hands and pushed them down and away from his body.

Once he let go of my hands I aimed at a punch towards his face, he caught my hand and pushed it away. The next one, he dodged.

This went on until I was exhausted, unable to land even one punch on him.

"Let's take a little break-" I interrupted him by finally getting a punch in, squarely on his jaw.

"That wasn't fair, I was talking!" he pouted.

"With those cat-like reflexes of yours, I would've thought you'd be able to defend yourself even when talking," I teased.

Stepping towards him, I caressed the uninjured side of his face. "I'm sorry I hurt you Juuzou."

He placed his hand over mine, holding it against his face. "Oh, you didn't hurt me Y/N-chan." His voice was quieter than usual.

"I'm just surprised... if you were any other person, I wouldn't have missed dodging that punch...But because I was talking to you... when I'm talking to you, that's all I can think about. It's so weird." His face was puzzled.

I smiled to myself.

"Let's go get coffee Juuzou, my treat."

He smiled at me and we went on our way, hands linked together.

******

"Y/N-chan, there's something I need to tell you." Juuzou announced, looking down at his hands that were cupped around his coffee mug.

Without waiting for me to respond, he blurted "Since Seidou died, your questioning is being passed on to me. We start tomorrow."

"What? What more could the CCG possibly have to ask me?" I asked, frowning.

"Well...not so much questioning...more like I'm taking over your case. Because I insisted. I thought it would be easier than you starting over with another stranger. They didn't want me to because of the...conflict of interest... but I made a good case. Anyway, there are still some loose ends that need to be tied up."

The look on his face was an uneasy one. 

"Juuzou...what's going on?"

"We can't talk about it here. It's very secret information. We'll need to go to headquarters first thing tomorrow so we can get it over with"

 I had a very bad feeling about this.


	9. Loose Ends

  
  
  
I woke up the next morning sore from training, and sleep deprived. I hadn't been able to sleep, even with Juuzou in the bed next to me. What he had said yesterday evening, and the way his face looked when he said it, made me dread finding out what these "loose ends" were.

I rolled over towards him, kissing his cheek. His eyes opened slightly and he peered at me from under the sleepy lids. Guilt washed over me when I saw the redness on the right side of his jawline.

_I didn't think I hit him that hard...His skin must be delicate.._

"Sorry about your face, Juuzou.." I muttered, and kissed it very gently. He looked at me with a sleepy smile on his face.

"It's okay Y/N-chan...doesn't hurt..." he mumbled, eyes closing again.

"No Juuzou, we gotta get up. "C'mon."

I pushed him onto his back and sat on his hips. "C'mon Juuzou, get up."

"I'm awake now..but I don't want to get out of bed." He whined. " I'd rather stay in bed... with you~"

He trailed his fingertips from my shoulder down to my wrist, grazing my breast on the way down.

_Did he mean to do that...or was it an accident..._

His intentions were made clear when one hand traveled to my thigh, the other on the small of my back. I leaned down and kissed him, heat flooding my  body. I pulled away and he moved his hand to the back of my neck, trying to guide my face back down to his.

"Juuzou....we can't...we have to get to headquarters." It was my turn to whine.

I crawled off of him and headed into the bathroom to shower, calling out "Be right back~" over my shoulder.

I fully expected to still see him laying in my bed when I finished showering, but instead, as I opened the shower door, he was leaning against the sink holding out a towel for me.

"Juuzou!" I shouted, quickly grabbing the towel from him and pulling it to my body.

"What's the matter Y/N-chan? I've seen it all already." he said innocently.

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks for the towel."

******

We managed to arrive at headquarters at 8:05 am, making Juuzou only five minutes late for work, which was actually an achievement considering he was always late.

I followed him into his cubicle, the hand holding his slightly sweaty. I was really nervous about this, even though it was a relief having Juuzou take over your case.

My file, my bio mother's file, and my mother's file were all stacked on top of the mess he had on his desk. All three of them were pretty thick.

He sat in his desk chair cross-legged, spinning around while looking through my file. I sat in the chair opposite him...what had been Seido's chair. My hands were trembling.

The next file he pulled out was my bio mother's.

He tugged at his lip stitches, not even opening the file. 

"Y/N-chan..."

He put the file down on his desk and took my hand.

"Asahara Sakiko isn't dead."

I stared at him.

'We weren't sure if you were ready to find out this info on that day when Seido questioned you. Since you just found out your mother "murdered" her...I didn't want to cause you any more pain..."

He paused, sighing deeply.

"The truth is...your mother did injure her gravely, but she didn't die."

"Then where is she? She just abandoned her two year old daughter? What's going on? How long have you known this Juuzou?!"

He looked down at his hands, the left one fiddling with the stitches around his right middle finger.

"I found out a few months ago."

His words were like a slap in the face.

"How could you keep this from me?!"

"I was planted in that area the night that I... Saw you. We had been watching you and knew your patterns.  I was perfect bait, they told me, because I don't look like your average CCG investigator. I was sent there to kill your mother and retrieve you. It wasn't a coincidence."

Every word he said made things worse and worse.

"How could you," I hissed and got up from the chair, knocking it out of the way and brushing past him on my way out. I didn't look back, knowing he'd be watching me.

I ran out of headquarters and was halfway down the block before he caught up with me.

My breathing was labored from running and my chest was heavy with sadness, but surprisingly my eyes were dry. I was too angry to cry.

"Y/N-chan..."

"Leave me alone, Juuzou. You betrayed me. I never want to see you again."

His eyes widened. "Y/N-chan... Please listen to me..."

"You have 2 minutes to explain yourself, then. After that, I'm gone."

"You weren't ready to know this information. Everyone at headquarters agreed. They don't care about you- they just didn't want you to do something crazy when we told you. But I care about you. You were already hurting. You couldn't take on anymore. Yes, your mothers alive which you might think is good news but it's not. She's... Not okay. I kept this info from you because I care about you. Because I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I'd already had to. I wanted to protect you. I'm not exactly sure how love is supposed to feel...but I think I love you, Y/N-chan."

"Don't be an idiot. You don't love anyone. You don't know what love is. I don't think you're capable of it. I don't even know if you have feelings. You're a cold blooded killer and I wish I'd never met you."

He reached for my hand, but I yanked it away.

I caught one glimpse of his bewildered eyes, un-shed tears clouding them, before I turned away from him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing the end of this chapter made me so sad. Everything I write is usually sad, but writing this really got to me, aha.


	10. Asahara Sakiko

The state of distress I was in that night was unbelievable. I couldn't tell what was causing me more pain; the information I'd just found out, or the way I'd treated Juuzou.

"She's alive...but she's not okay..."

Juuzou's words echoed through my mind on an endless loop. What does that mean? What's wrong with her? Is she sick? Is she brain-dead? Countless scenarios circled through my head, each one worse than the last. I knew I wouldn't rest until I found out the whole truth. 

But you also knew you had to somehow fix things with Juuzou.

_The look in his eye after I said those horrible things...he said he loved me and I tore him down...That was a big deal for him...what is wrong with me... I don't know if I said those things because I was mad at him...or because I was scared of him loving me...I don't know how I feel. But first things first, I'm going to headquarters tomorrow, I'll speak to...I'll speak to Yukinori_ _Shinohara..Juuzou always speaks highly of him...He should be able to tell me about my bio mother...It's all in her file anyway...I just hope I don't run into Juuzou while I'm there._

******

I marched into headquarters the next morning at 8 a.m. sharp. I hoped by getting there at this horrible hour that I'd avoid seeing Juuzou, and also get this over with faster.

At the front desk a young woman with short hair asked what business I  had at the CCG.

"My name's Y/N. I'm-I'm here to see Yukinori Shinohara." I said, hoping I  sounded confident.

She nodded and picked up the phone, speaking into after pressing a few buttons. "Shinohara-san, a Y/N is here to see you. Okay. I'll send her back." She put the phone down. "Two doors down on your left."

I pulled up my hoodie and looked down at the floor as I walked, on the off chance Juuzou was at work this early, I didn't want him to see me. I couldn't face him.

I could hear muffled conversations all around me, headquarters was very busy for this time of day. A thought nagged at the back of my mind, _Why is it so busy here? What's going on?_ But I pushed it away in exchange for more worries about my bio mother.

Shinohara waved me into his office before I even got a chance to knock at the door. He gestured for me to take a seat.

"What brings you to see me, Y/N-chan?"

I took a deep breath. "I was...I was wondering if you could take me to see my birth mother..wherever she is."

He nodded. "Excuse me a second, I'll go get the file."

He returned quickly. "I just had to grab it off Juuzou's mess of a desk," He said, chuckling.

My heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name.

Shinohara opened the file and flipped through it, stopping at a page towards the end.

"Okay, let's see...Asahara Sakiko is staying at the General Hospital, under the care of Dr. Kanou. Y/N-chan... the reason Juuzou kept this from you is because your mother is... not in the best of shape."

"What happened to her? I need to know. Please."

"The information that Seido had showed you was correct, except he didn't finish telling you all of it. The night that Fukiyama attacked and 'killed' Asahara, she didn't die...rather...she didn't remain dead. She was rushed to the hospital and operated on by Dr. Kanou. What Dr. Kanou does... he operates on people near death, in need of organs, and he replaces their organs with ghouls organs. The same night Ashara was attacked, the CCG raided a building in the 11th ward. Many ghouls were killed. This presented the perfect opportunity. Dr. Kanou replaced your mother's damaged heart with the heart of a deceased ghoul. But he didn't stop there. He removed the kakuhou, which is the organ in a ghoul that stores their RC cells, from the same ghoul, and placed it in your mother, making her partly a ghoul. This served no purpose other than to satiate his need to experiment. But it didn't go as it normally did in his other operations. Your mother may have lost too much blood, or maybe she was dead for too long before the operation. We don't know exactly what happened, but her mental capacities suffered. She no longer acts human. She lives to eat, and her mind is... checked out the rest of the time."

"I want to see her."

"Y/N-chan..that's probably not the best-"

"I don't care! I want to see her. I don't care if its painful."

"Alright then...I'll make some calls. Please wait for me in the lobby."

******

A very long thirty minutes later, he emerged from his office.

"I spoke with Dr. Kanou. He says a visit is okay, but it needs to be brief. Let's go. I'll drive us there."

******

I stood outside the room with my  bio mother's name on it, fists clenched to stop my hands from trembling. 

"Are you ready, Y/N-chan?" Shinohara put his hand on the door handle. It had already been unlocked by the orderly escorting us.

I nodded, and he pushed the handle down and stepped into the room.

"Ashara-san... you have a visitor." The orderly called out into the dark room.

Movement rustled in the dark.

The orderly flipped on the light, and my eyes adjusted to the view.

A woman with long, tangled, h/c hair sat in a chair, her left wrist restrained to the arm of the chair.

Her eyes were open, but unfocused, she was staring at nothing in particular.

"She won't recognize you. She doesn't recognize anyone, even those of us who care for her everyday. Let me go get something for her to eat, and maybe she'll be a little more cognizant, though it's unlikely."

The orderly left the room.

I sat down on the floor, a few feet away from this woman who used to be my mother.

"Mother.. it's me, Y/N. Do you... do you remember me..."

She didn't react to my words.

The orderly came back with a plate with a hunk of meat sitting on it.

Asahara's head snapped up, and she began to drool. Her left eye showed her kakugan, the other remained unfocused.

The orderly quickly pulled the rolling table in front of her and set the plate down.

She put her face down into the plate, eating just like a dog.

"Mother..."

I covered my face with my hands and fled the room, ignoring the calls of the orderly and Shinohara.

I didn't stop running until I reached the front of the hospital. I exited the building and flung myself onto the floor, hugging my knees and struggling to breathe.

Suddenly I felt someones presence in front of me. I wiped my bleary eyes and looked up, expecting to see the boots belonging to Shinohara, but instead saw red slippers.

"Juuzou..." I whispered.

He sat down next to me.

"How did you... how did you know I was here.."

"Shinohara told me to come."

"Juuzou I'm so sorry. I didn't mean those things I said to you. I was upset and I felt like you'd betrayed me. But I understand why you kept this from me. I'm sorry. And...I... I love you too Juuzou."

I picked myself up off the floor and started to walk away, embarrassment painting my cheeks red, tears still falling from my eyes, but his hand caught mine.

"Wait, Y/N-chan. Why are you walking away?"

I didn't turn to face him.

"Because... because I know that what I just said doesn't erase what I said last night. I know you must hate me. I hate me too..."

"I don't hate you Y/N-chan! I could never hate you. And I'm glad I got to see you before tomorrow!"

I turned to face him now, reaching for his other hand and holding it tightly.

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow..is operation Suppress the Owl! Shinohara says he's really strong! I can't wait~"

_That must have been why things seemed so busy at the CCG this morning..._

From what I'd heard on the news, The Owl was a hugely powerful ghoul, extremely dangerous to any investigators who tried to take him down.

"Juuzou, please be careful tomorrow."

"Oh, I'll be fine Y/N-chan! You'll see me the day after~"


	11. After the Owl

  
He was right. I did see him the day after.

My  hands were trembling as I picked up the call that morning. The caller ID read "General Hospital."

"H-hello?"

"Hello, is this Y/N?"

"Yes...that's me..."

"I'm Nurse Ishimura, I'm calling for one of our patients, a Suzuya Juuzou. He was very insistent that I call you and tell you where he is. He's in room number 34 here at General Hospital."

"T-thank you so much for calling me. C-an you tell him I'll be there as soon as possible?"

I hung up the phone without waiting for the nurse to respond.

I couldn't get ready fast enough.

In my hurry to shower and get dressed, I tripped over myself multiple times. I was actually surprised I managed to get to the hospital without seriously injuring myself.

I stood in front of the foreboding white building, staring up at it. I'd just been here two days ago.

I tried to breathe deeply to calm my erratic breathing. I wasn't sure what I'd see when I went into his room, what shape he'd be in. My only comfort was that he was awake and alert enough to demand that the nurses called me.

That thought gave me the strength to push through the double doors and check in with the receptionist.

******

I approached his room, nerves returning.I reached my hand around the blue curtain and knocked on the wall.

"Come in" the voice was quiet and more reserved than usual, but it was definitely Juuzou's.

I entered the room, and saw the back of his head, his wavy white hair. He was seated in a wheelchair by the window.

"J-Juuzou?" I whispered, suddenly unable to walk any closer to him.

"Y/N-chan?" His voice lifted a little, and he spun the wheelchair around to face me.

His eyes were clouded with sadness. I approached him, pulling up a chair next to him and taking his hand.

"Juuzou...I'm so happy you're okay..." I tried to look into his eyes, but he wouldn't meet my gaze, instead looking down.

My eyes followed his gaze, seeing the blanket on his lap, covering his legs.

Seeing the one red slipper poking out from under the blanket.

_Where's his other foot..._

The reality of the situation hit me, and my body began to tremble, though I tried to hide it from Juuzou, clenching the hand that wasn't holding his into a fist.

_His leg is gone..._

I didn't trust myself to speak without crying, so I leaned my head his shoulder gently and squeezed his hand.

He picked up on my distress anyway. Juuzou was nothing if not observant, even at a time like this.

"It's okay, Y/N-chan, it doesn't hurt. It didn't even hurt when it happened."

He smiled a little then, but it wasn't his usual grin, it was a weaker, dimmed down version of it.

"D-did you...how did the...did you guys beat the Owl?" I managed to stutter out.

Juuzou shook his head. "We managed to take him down...right after he did this to me...but then the real One Eyed Owl showed up...we couldn't take her down..and then she took him away..Both owls were hurt pretty badly but they're still alive. So many people are dead..."

He hung his head. "Sh-Shinohara-san...probably won't wake up. They say he lost too much blood..The Owl took his leg too...said we were a perfect m-match.."

Tears fell from his crimson eyes, and I reached out a shaking hand and wiped them away. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to break down and cry, cry for the loss of his leg, cry at the sight of him in so much emotional pain, I couldn't. I had to be strong for him, and help him be strong for himself.

An idea fought it's way through the murky waters of my consciousness.

"Juuzou...are you allowed outside?"

He looked at me, eyes wide and puzzled. "I...think so. Why, Y/N-chan?"

"I'll be back in like, an hour, tops." I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, then ran out the door, a slight smile on my face for the first time in days.

****Juuzou's point of view****

_I wonder what Y/N went to do..I'm so bored...I hope she comes back soon._   
_There's nothing to do here but look out this stupid window, which was great at first since I'm cooped up in this room... But now I'm tired of looking out the window. I wanna get out of this place._

I hummed softly to myself, leaning my head back and staring up at the tiled ceiling, counting the diamond shaped tiles.

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5._

_I heard the doctors talking about getting me a prosthetic.. I hope they do that soon. Being in this wheelchair is annoying but hopping around is worse.. It's really hard..and embarrassing. I wonder how long I have to wait before they give me a fake leg..._

_6, 7, 8, 9, 10._

Footsteps sounded outside the entrance to my room, interrupting my train of thought.

_Y/N-chan?_

I felt a slight lift in my mood, which quickly dropped when I saw it was just the nurse.

"It's time for your medication, Suzuya-san," the nurse called as she entered the room, holding two paper cups, one with water in it and one with two pills.

I downed the pills, annoyance washing over me.

"How much longer do I have to take these? They make me feel like crap." 

"Unfortunately the side effects are nausea and fatigue among other things, but you have to take the antibiotics as your leg was starting to show signs of infection after you were admitted and that could be very dangerous. Don't worry Suzuya-san, in about two weeks we can fit you for a temporary prosthetic as long the antibiotics keep the infection at bay." The nurse smiled widely at me and exited the room.

I sighed loudly and returned to staring out the window, giving up on counting the tiles, just waiting for you to come back.

******

"I'm back, Juuzou!" I called as I entered the room.

He turned to face me, taking in the pink box I held in my hands, and the small backpack on my back.

I handed him the pink box.

"Hold on to that," I said cheerfully.

I went behind him and grabbed the wheelchair handles, pushing him gently out of the room and down the hall towards the elevator.

"Where are we going, Y/N-chan?"

"Well, I was told I can't take you off hospital grounds just yet, so we're going out to the garden for a picnic."

Once we went out the back exit of the hospital, I pushed the wheelchair a little faster, twisting and turning down the path towards the garden.

You heard Juuzou giggle and knew he was enjoying the ride.

Once I reached my destination, a big shade-giving tree in the farthest corner of the garden, I spun the chair around one time before parking it and putting the brakes on.

Juuzou smiled up at you.

"That was fun!" He paused and looked down. "Um... Y/N-chan... I'm tired of sitting in this chair. C-can you help me sit down on the ground?"

The look on his face was enough to make my heart break. It was equal parts embarrassment and sadness.

"Of course Juuzou."

I took the blanket off his lap and spread it out on the ground, placing the pink box on a corner of it, then rolled the wheelchair onto the blanket. I grit my teeth at the sight of his bandaged thigh.

I stood on his right side, extending my arm towards him. He grabbed onto it and pushed himself out of the chair. Still supporting him, I pushed the wheelchair out of the way with my foot, then let him brace himself against me as he sat down on the ground, making sure he didn't lose his balance.

"Thanks so much Y/N-chan."

I nodded and sat down right next to him, pulling the pink box towards you. I opened it, revealing an assortment of sandwiches and donuts.

Then I pulled the backpack off my back and pulled out coloring books, markers, and crayons.

You watched Juuzou's face light up.

"You... You got all this for me?"

"Of course. I know you must be going out of your mind in that boring room, not mention their shitty food. I know I can't fix, or change, what happened, but I just wanted to try and make you feel a little better."

Without warning he flung his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged him back, glad to see a smile on his face.

"Thank you so much Y/N-chan!!!"

He stuffed a donut in his mouth happily.

******

We remained in the garden until the sun threatened to set. Between us, all the sandwiches and most of the donuts were gone, and all of one coloring book, "Safari Animals" was colored (mostly by Juuzou, but I helped out too).

Watching him color was a fascinating experience, he gripped the crayon like a serial killer would grip a knife, and was very careful to stay in the lines, his mouth hanging open as he concentrated. I was honestly just content to watch him, admiring him in this child like state of pure enjoyment, but he insisted that I help him color a picture of a family of giraffes. I  couldn't say no when he whined "Please, I want you to help me with my favorite" and pouted a little.

I finished packed up the stuff and helped Juuzou back into the wheelchair, which was surprisingly easier than helping him out of it.

I took him back to his room and helped him get settled. I kissed him on the forehead and said goodnight, preparing to leave before he spoke in a small voice.

"Y/N-chan?"

I turned back to look at him.

"C-can you stay?"

I bit my lip, willing the tears collecting in my eyes not to fall.

"Of course Juuzou."

I walked over to the bed and crawled under the blankets with him, letting him rest his head on my chest and stroking his snowy hair until he fell asleep.


	12. Raven

  
  
****Time skip of 2 months****  
  
  


My alarm blared, waking me up from a much needed nap. I'd had a raging headache, and just wanted to sleep for half an hour before work.

Now that half hour was up, and I was forced to get up and take a shower.

As I  hopped into the shower I realized my headache was gone, which put me in a good mood. Things had been going rather smoothly lately. My days were productive, I worked 5 days a week, sometimes picking up other people's shifts as well. When I wasn't working, I was visiting my bio mother in the hospital, only for about 20-30 minutes at a time, hoping to get a reaction from her. So far nothing. Juuzou had mentioned wanting to start training me again, he was still worried about me on a daily basis.

_Come to think of it, I'm not sure why hes so worried, things have been pretty calm lately, not just on my front, but in general. Not many big ghoul attacks on the news, it's as if everyone's laying low. I'm not exactly sure I want Juuzou training me either, after what he's been through, but he's dead set on it..._

Surprisingly, I was running early for work, so I decided to put some light makeup on, mascara and a nude lipstick. I wore my h/c, h/l hair down instead of in the messy bun I usually wore for work. Today felt like a good day, for some reason. I decided not to question it.

******

Work was uneventful, but busy. The hours flew by, and before I knew it was six p.m. and the shop was closing. I stayed an extra half hour helping out the closing clean up crew, then hung my apron up in the back and went out the back exit to avoid unlocking and re-locking the front door.

i came around the corner and passed the front of the building, a bit startled to see a figure standing there.

The figure raised it's head when I approached and revealed their identity.

It was Juuzou!  
  


"Surprise Y/N-chan! I got my leg!! My permanent one!!"

"Oh my gosh!" I rushed into his arms, hugging him tightly. "I'm so happy for you!"

I pulled away from him to look up at him, knowing something was different, as I hadn't recognized him at first.

"Your hair!!!" His previously snow white hair was now a rich black, the red pins that used to be holding his bangs to the left of his face, now hold the right side of his hair back, and some of the dark locks are falling into his face. I ran my fingers through it, gently, whispering, "It looks great." I kissed him on the cheek and laced my fingers through his.

"Guess what were doing tomorrow morning, Y/N-chan?" he beamed at me.

"Ummm, I don't know. I give up. What are we doing tomorrow?"

"Training at 8 a.m.!"

 "Juuzou...that's so early," I groaned.

"I know but it's better to get an early start! I'll wake you up~"

I laughed and looked at him. "We both know I'll be the one waking you up."

"You're probably right."

I was so happy to see Juuzou with most of his usual pep back. He was more subdued since what he had been through, but he was coming back to himself, although some things were still different.

He hadn't slept in his own apartment since he got out of the hospital, which was six weeks ago, once he had gotten his temporary prosthetic they discharged him, since he was showing no signs of infection or any other complication.

He didn't speak much about Shinohara, but still visited him in the hospital every other day. I hoped for Juuzou's sake that he would wake up, but it wasn't looking good.

The other thing that was different had nothing to do with him, but with me. I was always scared I was going to hurt him. I didn't want to train with him for fear of hurting him, even though once he got his temporary prosthetic he went back to work, and got back all his physical capabilities. I knew he would hate to be treated like he was delicate, so I never let these thoughts show through my actions, but they were always in my head.

******

Tonight was different then most nights, he followed me into my apartment as usual, but then announced that he was going to make dinner, instead of ordering takeout or going out somewhere like we usually did.

"Juuzou...do you know how to cook??"

"I can make ramen!" he grinned.

"That sounds good, can I help?"

"Nope, it's all me. Sit down and let me worry about it!"

He walked me into the living room and made sure I actually sat down.

I turned on the TV and watched it with half of my brain, the other half listening to Juuzou clank around in the kitchen.

Soon he brought two steaming bowls of ramen into the room and set them down on the coffee table.

I slurped some of the noodles into my mouth. "This is delicious, Juuzou. Hey, tomorrow, I make dinner for you, okay?"

He nodded and smiled, and we sat in a comfortable silence, eating and somewhat watching the TV.

******

"Juuzou..I'm tired. Are you ready to go to sleep?" I looked over to where he sat beside me on the couch, his tongue poking out from between his lips as he carefully stitched a new pattern on his arm.

"Yeah, I'm almost done~"

He pulled the final thread through and put the needle and thread back into the little sewing kit he now kept at my apartment.

"All done!" He rotated his arm, admiring them and grinning. 

"They look great." The new pattern was a straight line of small horizontal stitches going all the way down the top of his forearm. They were very straight and even, all the careful work he put into them was apparent in their appearance.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and grabbed his hand. "C'mon, let's go to bed." He didn't protest, so I turned off the TV and headed for my bedroom.

I undressed down to my underwear and curled up under the blankets, waiting for him to follow suit. Instead he sat on the bed next to me, staring at me with his mesmerizing ruby eyes.

"Juuzou, what are you doing?" I sat up, pulling the blankets around your body.

He hesitantly leaned forward, kissing me. I kissed him back gently then pulled away, but he cupped my cheek and kissed me again.

It was hard to resist him, he was so unbelievably attractive, it had been so long since we had been intimate, and his kisses were starting to stir something awake in me. But... "Juuzou...we shouldn't," I mumbled against his lips.

"Y/N-chan, I'm not going to break. I'm fine." He pouted.

Shit, he'd somehow figured out my worries.

"We should go to sleep...we have to be up early..." I murmured, before pressing my lips against his again.

"Who cares..." he smirked, kissing me deeply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay the next chapter is another smut one, just as before, you can skip it and won't miss any plot.  
> I've decided to stop apologizing for writing sex scenes, after I got shamed on Wattpad for my story not being innocent.  
> It's my prerogative, I shouldn't apologize for it. I don't see an issue as long as I give warning.  
> That being said, I hope everyone's enjoying my story! ^_^


	13. Knives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the smut chapter. Forewarning!

Juuzou pulled the blankets away from my body, leaving me vulnerable to him, but the appreciative way his gaze roamed over my body made me feel totally secure.

He kissed me again, this time his tongue grazed my bottom lip and I opened my mouth a bit. His tongue slid in and explored, meeting my tongue and dancing around it.

After a few seconds he retreated his tongue and bit my bottom lip, his teeth sharp.

I caught my breath, biting his lower lip back in response, harder than he had bitten mine. I heard his sharp intake of breath, and wove my fingers through his dark hair, pulling him closer.

I broke away from the kiss and kissed his throat, nipping gently at the sensitive skin. I felt the stitches under my lips as I kissed farther down before making my way back up to his earlobe, which I sucked and bit gently.

I was solely focused on making him feel good.

I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off, throwing it to the floor.

I kissed his chest, and bit the skin, leaving a small hickey. He let out a moan and ran his fingers through my hair.

I reached the V of his hipbones, and slowly ran my tongue along each side, while my hands were busy unbuttoning his pants.

Hooking my fingers in the waistband I pulled them off, appreciating the bulge in his boxers, which were next to come off. He was naked, and I was in my underwear.

I wrapped a hand around his shaft, moving it up and down slowly at first, then quicker when I heard his breathing speed up slightly.

I put my mouth on the tip and slid it down, taking him slowly inside my mouth, now simultaneously stroking and sucking him.

"Y/N..." he groaned, weaving his fingers through my hair and pushing my head down slightly. I adjusted to having more of his length in my mouth, removing my hand and instead holding onto his hips while my mouth did it's work.

"Y/N, I'm going to.." He didn't finish the sentence, before his body tensed up, and he moaned. There was nothing to swallow, but I licked my lips anyway as I crawled up to his lips and kissed him deeply.

He reached behind me while we kissed, unhooking my bra and pulling it away from my body.

He pulled away from the kiss and concentrated his attention on my breasts, placing kisses between them, and leaving love bites on the fleshy areas.

He traced his fingertips over the sensitive skin surrounding my nipples, the sensation driving me crazy. I moaned and threw my head back in pleasure. He took this opportunity to kiss and bite my throat.

He took one of my nipples in his mouth, alternately swirling his tongue around it and grazing his teeth against it.

I moaned again and he stopped what he was doing and pushed me down on the bed, placing my hands above my head. He kissed me and I kissed him back hard.

He reached down and picked up his shirt off the ground, wrapping the sleeves around my wrists. He paused before tying it and looked down at me.

"Is this okay?"

I nodded, breathless, and he tied the sleeves tightly enough so I couldn't wiggle out, but loose enough to be comfortable.

Then he was spreading my legs, sitting between them. After a pause, I felt something cool being dragged down my abdomen. I looked down and saw him trailing the flat end of one of his knives over my skin. For some reason..this turned me on immensely, but...

"Where did you get a knife?"

He grinned. "From inside my leg."

Before I could respond I heard a slicing sound, and felt cool air hit my sex. My underwear were gone. He threw the knife to the floor, along with the remains of the underwear.

He kissed my hipbones and pubic bone, and then ai felt the warmth of his tongue on my sex, slipping between the outer lips and flicking up towards my clit, then swirling around the little button.

I knew I wasn't going to last long this way, I'd never experienced this sensation before but it was phenomenal.

I moaned his name as he sucked on my clit, inserting a finger inside me as he did so. I arched my back and rocked mu hips up, the pleasure I was feeling was almost unbearable.

He slid another finger inside me and flicked his tongue over my clit quickly, and I let go, moaning, loudly this time, hitting my orgasm.   
He removed his fingers, putting them in his mouth and sucking them clean, a smirk on his face while I blushed uncontrollably.

He leaned over me, kissing me while positioning the head of his cock at my entrance.

"Do you want it, Y/N-chan?"

I nodded quickly. Even though I had just come, I was already aching for him again.

"Use your words~"

"Yes, I want it Juuzou.." I mumbled, embarrassed.

He slid inside me just a little bit, then stopped. I groaned and raised my hips, trying to take him farther in, but he held his ground.

"I want to hear you beg, Y/N-chan," he sung, grinning.

"Please Juuzou, please." I begged, no longer caring whether or not this was embarrassing.

Without warning he thrust into me completely. I gasped, and wrapped my legs around his waist, pushing him in deeper.

He leaned down and bit my neck while thrusting, the pain and pleasure at the same time causing me to cry out.

He stopped moving and untied my hands, pulling out.

"Get on your hands and knees facing away from me."

Without asking questions, I did as he said.

He slapped my ass, hard, and then thrust back inside me, one hand on my hip and the other tangled in my hair.

The sensation in this position was so much different than in missionary, he was so much deeper inside me.

He reached around the front of my body and rubbed circles around my clit while still moving back and forth inside me.

"Juuzou, I'm gonna come," I moaned. This orgasm was even more powerful than the first one, and I was exhausted.

He pulled my hair tightly, and I realized he was getting close. I moved my body back and forth while he thrust, causing twice the friction. I  didn't expect to, but I came again, crying out at the same time as he did, both of us exhausted.

I cuddled up to him, both of us breathing heavily.

_I had no idea he had that kinky side to him..._

"Now we can go to sleep, my love~" he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead.

"Goodnight Juuzou" I mumbled, smiling into his chest.


	14. Guilt by Association

"Okay Y/N-chan, actually try to dodge me this time," Juuzou said with a giggle.

I was out of breath and annoyed at mylack of physical ability.

The months that had gone by since my mother was killed had definitely softened my muscles and weakened my stamina.

_As much as I hated killing for her... Apparently it was good exercise..._

I found myself unable to either dodge Juuzou's attacks, or attack him successfully.

We'd been training for half an hour this morning, and so far Ihadn't touched him.

I had a few bruises and scrapes, but nothing too serious. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was going easy on me.

"Okay, I'm ready Juuzou."

He came at me with a roundhouse kick, but I jumped out of the way at the last minute. Next was a punch, which I also (barely) managed to dodge.

I flung my fist recklessly towards his face, and felt it make contact, just barely, before he grabbed my hand out of the way and twisted it behind my back, pulling my body towards him and holding me tightly in that position, facing away from him.

"You had a good streak going there!! I saw progress~"

I tried to wriggle out of his grip but he was too strong.

"Juuzou~" you whined, "let me go, let's keep going!"

"Alright then, take out your knife."

"Oh...Juuzou...I don't know if that's a good idea..."

"Let's be realistic Y/N-chan, you probably won't make contact, and even if you do it won't hurt. And, I think you're doing well enough now that you won't accidentally hurt yourself, either" He said teasingly.

"Fine," I mumbled, retrieving my purse and taking my knife out of it.

I held it tightly, my hand clammy with nerves.

"Ok now just picture this, I'm a ghoul and I'm really angry, I'm running towards you to kill you, what are you going to do?"

He ran towards me just as he said, and I thrust the knife towards him, aiming for his arm so as not to gravely injure if I managed to make contact.

The knife grazed his skin before he moved out of the way, leaving a long but shallow cut on his outer forearm.

"Great job on actually getting me with it, but that amount of force on a ghoul wouldn't do anything to them..I mean..your knife won't do anything to them anyway..but pretend you're using a knife that can~"

I nodded and sighed. "I can't do it with the knife Juuzou. You're not a ghoul. I could actually hurt you-"

He tried to interrupt, a cheeky smile on his face, but I wouldn't let him.

"I know you don't feel the physical pain of it but that doesn't mean it won't do damage to you! My training isn't worth your health. So we stick to hand to hand combat or I won't train at all."

A look of irritation danced across his face, but it was gone in an instant.

"Okay, fine. But I'm going to train you even harder, then."

I nodded and moved towards him, motioning for him to hold out his arm. He reluctantly did so, and I examined the cut, noticing it was deeper than I'd originally thought.

"I'm sorry Juuzou." I held his hand up to my lips and kissed it. "I'm cleaning that when we get back to my place,"

"But-"

"No buts."

"Can I stitch it up afterwards?" He grinned.

"I know you're going to do it anyway even if I say you shouldn't." I laughed a little.

We trained for an hour longer, Imanaged to hit or kick Juuzou a total of 5 times, and his pride at my improvement showed all over his face.

******   
**9 p.m.**

Juuzou had left the apartment to get last minute take out, and I was laying on the couch reading, something I rarely had time to do anymore.

A loud knock on the door startled me and I got up off the couch, wincing at the soreness throughout my body from my earlier training.

"Juuzou? Did you forget something?" I called as I walked to the door, opening it without looking through the peephole.

A huge figure blocked the doorway.

_That's_ _definitely not Juuzou..._

I tried to push the door closed, but the figure slammed the door back and thrust its way inside the apartment.

I tried to scream for help but the figure clamped it's hand over my mouth and closed the door before pushing me up against it.

I struggled against him, but he was much too strong, the pressure of his hand was compressing my throat.

I gasped for air against his palm, it smelled like blood.

A swift blow hit my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. He let me go and I fell to the floor.

"Make a sound and I'll kill you, bitch," he snarled, kicking me in the side.

I coughed, and he kicked me again. "I said shut up!"

"Who..." I whispered, not expecting him to hear me.

"It doesn't matter who I am. What matters is why I'm here. I'm going to get you back for what your psychopath of a mother did to my sister."

I curled myself into a ball just before he kicked me again. My head banged against the door for the third time, and the edges of my vision went white.

_I have to do something to fight back...what would Juuzou tell me to do..._

With my last bit of strength, Iaimed a kick at my attackers ankles.

This enraged him, as if he had thought I would just lay down and submit to his abuse, and I watched in terror as his eyes went black and red.

His blue and purple rinkaku kagune snuck around from behind his back and wrapped around my waist, lifting me from the floor and slamming my back against the door. A searing pain through my lower abdomen caused tears to flow down my face.

"You'll regret that" was the last thing I heard as he dropped me to the floor, my head lolling.

He kicked my unconscious form out of the way and vanished into the darkness of the outdoors, leaving the door open behind him.


	15. Memory

"Y/N-chan...Y/N-chan, please wake up" I heard a familiar voice cutting through the fog in my head. I tried to open my eyes but they were so, so heavy.

All I could feel was pain. All over my body. And a warmth around my hand..it was comforting.

I heard a knocking sound. "Police, open up"

The warmth on my hand vanished, and the sounds around me faded out.

******

_Where am I..._

I stared up at a tiled ceiling. The air in this room smelled like antiseptic.

I struggled to sit up, but a pain shot through the back of my skull. I lay my head back down, closing my eyes against the dizziness and nausea overwhelming me.

"Where am I?" I said aloud, my voice hoarse.

There was no answer, and my eyes started closing again, I was unable to fight the call of sleep and its sweet release from pain.

******

I was startled awake by someone touching my forehead. My eyes shot open.

"I'm sorry Y/N-chan. Good to see you're awake, though. I was taking your temperature for your vitals."

_I'm in the hospital..? What happened to me..._

"What..what happened to me?" I said aloud.

"I can send the doctor in to speak with you in just a moment." She exited the room after taking my blood pressure.

I forced myself to sit up so I wouldn't fall asleep again. I looked around the room, my eyes straining against the bright whiteness of the fluorescent lights.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw who was sitting by my bedside.

Curled up in the uncomfortable hospital chair was Juuzou, sleeping soundly, mouth hanging open a little, hair falling into his eyes.

A smile curled the corners of my lips, but that very slight facial movement made my head throb.

I didn't want to wake Juuzou up when he looked so peaceful, so I flipped the T.V. on and muted it quickly, watching the soundless images dance across the screen.

I'd only been awake for about twenty minutes and I was already bored out of my mind...

_I don't know how Juuzou endured this for two weeks...It takes about 30 seconds of inactivity for him to become bored..._

_I really want to know how I got here...I wish the doctor would come to see me already.._

Juuzou stirred sightly. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He stretched his arms above his head, shirt lifting and revealing his white tummy, squeaking a little as he did so.

"Good morning sleeping beauty," I said, my voice echoing in my ears.

He looked at me, surprise written all over his face, eyes wide.

"You're awake!!" He scooted the chair closer to thebed and leaned his elbows on the railing, putting his face on his hands. He looked comical, his cheeks squished up by his hands.

"How do you feel?"

"Everything hurts...but I'm okay I guess." I reached out and put my hand on his arm, squeezing it slightly.

"What happened to me?"

His smile faded. "You don't remember?"

"The last thing I remember...is watching some weird cartoon movie with you."

"I left the apartment to go get us a late dinner...I never should have left. If I had been there..."

There was a knock on the door, followed by the doctor entering.

"Nice to see you awake! I'm doctor Hiraki. Do you remember what happened? The police are trying to piece together some info from the crime scene, but it would help if they could take your statement."

"I don't remember what happened..the last thing I remember is watching a movie with my...with Juuzou."

"We're hoping your memory will come back. You have a pretty bad concussion, which most likely caused the memory loss. You were also in shock when you were brought in, which can also cause memory loss."

"S-shock? Are my injuries that b-bad?" The nausea and dizziness began to creep up on me again.

"The shock is most likely caused by the emotional trauma of what happened to you. As far as your injuries, besides the concussion you have two broken ribs on your right side, many bruises and lacerations, and a hole punctured through your lower abdomen, which destroyed your right ovary. We had to remove it, we couldn't save any of the tissue, and it was posing a threat to your whole system as it was decaying. We believe that the hole was created by a ghoul's kagune."

I stayed silent.

"A ghoul did this to her?" Juuzou blurted out angrily.

"It's safe to say that, yes."

A beeping sound emanated from the doctor's pocket. He pulled out his pager and looked at it. " I have to go now, Y/N-chan, Suzuya-kun. There's an emergency. I'll be back later to check in on you."

Tears streamed silently down my face.

"Are you in pain, Y/N-chan? Do you want me to call the nurse?"

"N-no. I just c-can't believe this happened. I.. I should've been able to defend myself."

"You can't blame yourself. It's my fault. I should've have been training you all this time...or I should have been there..."

I reached for his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"It's definitely not your fault. Let's both of us stop blaming ourselves. Maybe this was just a random act of violence...It could've happened to anyone."

******

"Based on the evidence we've managed to collect, it seems you were targeted. Security camera footage from the apartment building shows this man approaching the apartments frequently over the past few weeks. On the night you were attacked three days ago, he approached at 8:50 p.m. and stood around near one of the apartments closer to the alley. In the video here, you can see Suzuya-kun leaving at 8:59 p.m., the ghoul sees him leave, then waits til he sees him go around the corner before walking over to your door. You open it, he forces his way in, and ten minutes later, he leaves."

I watched the video on the policeman's laptop intently, hoping it would trigger something in my brain and I'd remember what happened, but no such luck.

"We dusted the crime scene for fingerprints, and we're waiting for the lab to give us the results. We'll give you a call or come to see you when we have them. Since you're getting discharged from the hospital today we recommend finding a safe place to stay, with a friend or family member."

The policeman handed his card to Juuzou, and left the room.

I looked at Juuzou, surprised to see rare anger all over his face.

"Juuzou..what's wrong?"

"He wants you to stay somewhere. He doesn't think I can keep you safe. Maybe he's right."

I placed my hand over Juuzou's, which were clenched into fists.

"I don't think that's what he meant. It's probably safer for me to not stay in the place where I was attacked, in case the ghoul comes back. But the only friend I have is Yoriko, and I am _not_ going to put her in danger."

Suddenly Juuzou's fists relaxed and he placed his hand under my chin, tipping it up so I was looking at him.

"I just had the best idea. You can stay with me~"

"Juuzou...you haven't been to your apartment for months."

"Yeah, but it's paid for by the CCG. You'll be safe there!!"

"Well...okay...but only until I'm better, okay?"

Juuzou grinned and nodded, his eyes closed with the intensity of his smile.


	16. Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly fluff with a tiny bit of substance. Sorry not sorry.

"I rented a car so you wouldn't have to leave the hospital in a taxi~"

I smiled, and finished putting the rest of my things in a hospital issued bag.

"Thank you Juuzou, that's so sweet."

"And I rented a wheelchair! The doctor doesn't want you walking around too much, but I don't want to make you stay cooped up in the house, 'cause it sucks!!"

I chuckled, then satdown on the edge of the bed, weakened just by putting my stuff in a bag. I sighed. Once I was cleared by the doctor to start training again, it was going to be like starting from scratch.

"What's wrong Y/N-chan?" Juuzou questioned, concerned by my sigh.

"I just... Hate how weak my body is."

Juuzou sat down next to me, taking my hand in his own.

"I know the feeling Y/N-chan. But just like you took care of me when I was weak, I'm going to help you."

"I didn't do much to help you. The CCG were the ones who helped you get your physical strength back. I just tried to make you happy." I smiled ruefully.

"Well I'm gonna do both~" he stood up and held out his hand to me.

I took it, and settled down into the wheelchair with his help.

He placed my bag on my lap and wheeled me out of the room, humming as he did so, gliding around the corners carefully so as not to jostle me.

_I love him so much... I wish I could tell him just how much I love him... But it's not a thing that we talk about... It's still relatively new for Juuzou. And I don't want to scare him away..._

****Juuzou's point of view****

_I love Y/N-chan so much. When I first told her I loved her, I didn't know what love was. I said 'I think I love you'... Now, I know I love her. And I'm not scared of it anymore. Well, I still am scared that something could happen to her, because something just did!! But I'm not scared of my own feelings. I've learned that you should tell people you love them, even if they might not love you, because they might not be there the next day..._

I helped Y/N-chan into the passengers seat of the rental seat, then put the wheelchair in the trunk before getting into the drivers seat and starting the engine.

_I haven't driven a car since I got my license almost three years ago... But it should be okay._

******

I was slightly surprised that Juuzou had his license, but it made sense that the CCG would make all their investigators get one just in case.

He wasn't that bad of a driver, just a little jerky. Every bump or pothole in the asphalt made me clutch my stomach, the pain from the surgery site radiating throughout my entire abdomen.

Juuzou looked over at me in concern and almost ran a red light.

"Oopsy!" He sung, slamming on the brakes.

I gritted my teeth against the pain.

I was relieved when we pulled into the parking lot of an apartment building. The apartments were small and all painted white. They were cute.

Juuzou rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

"Ummm, I don't remember how I left my apartment... But it's probably really messy."

I smiled, shaking my head. "It's okay Juuzou."

He helped me out of the car and back into the wheelchair.

******

Juuzou unlocked the door and flung it open **,** revealing a small living room.

_He was right... It is messy..._

A few blankets were thrown haphazardly over the couch, giving the impression that he had last slept there.

Empty coffee containers from just about every nearby coffee shop littered the coffee table, alongside a bowl of candy.

"It's not that bad." I lied.

"Uhhhh, Y/N-chan I know you're lying~ Anyway, I don't have any food here.... We can order in tonight but tomorrow we'll need to go to the grocery store."

_The grocery store with Juuzou sounds like a very interesting endeavor..._

I sat in the wheelchair as he ran around trying to straighten things up. He folded the blankets on the couch to get them out of the way and then helped me sit on it.

 _"_ Do you want pizza Y/N-chan?" He asked expectantly.

"Yeah Juuzou, that sounds good."

He ran into the kitchen to hunt for the number to his favorite pizza place, while I lounged on the couch, already bored.

 _I_ _hate_ _sitting still for too long._ _.._

"Ok, I ordered~" he sat down gently on the couch next to me, much different from the way he usually plopped down.

I adjusted my position so I could lay my head on his chest, the dull ache at the back of my skull reminding me that I still needed to be careful with myself as the doctor had told me that if I hit my head again while still having the concussion, I could risk brain damage.

Juuzou ran his fingers gently through my bangs, the relaxing sensation making me close my eyes and smile peacefully up at him.

A loud knock at the door came, and my peaceful mindset was gone, quickly replaced by panic. I sat up straight, breathing shakily.

"Y/N-chan... It's just the pizza."

I watched him go to the door, looking through the peephole to confirm it was in fact the pizza guy, before opening it.

That should have calmed medown, but it didn't.

He sat down next to me again, placing the box on the coffee table.

His luminous red eyes peered into mine as he brushed the hair out of my face.

"Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah.. I guess I just had a panic attack..."

Panic attacks weren't a foreign concept to me, I'd had them before. This one just seemed to have come out of nowhere.

******

"Y/N-chan, wake up," Juuzou touched my shoulder gently and I startled awake, my ears ringing.

"W-what's going on?"

"You were screaming in your sleep," Juuzou looked at me with a frown turning down his lips.

_No wonder my ears are ringing..._

"Did you have a a bad dream?" Juuzou traced his fingertips up and down my arm, his short nails providing the perfect scratching sensation.

I shrugged, unable to remember.

I didn't even remember falling asleep on the couch, but apparently we planned it because he was laying behind me and I was curled up in front of him, laying on my left side, the only painless way I could sleep.

His arms were around me, and I felt safe for the time being.

"I'm sorry I woke you up." I mumbled, my eyelids fluttering,wanting to close.

"Don't worry about it." He placed a kiss behind my ear and laced his fingers through mine just as I drifted back to sleep.


	17. Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to finish posting all the chapters today. This story is already completed so I may as well catch it up on here too. :)

  
  
  
****Two month time skip****   
  
  


Over the past two months, I'd healed from my injuries and from my surgery. The doctor said I was doing very well, and was a quick healer. My memory had come back piece by piece over the next week after the incident, and I was able to file a complete police report. The fingerprints in my apartment were a match for some that were already in the system, but they were unable to find the ghoul.  The police were still looking and promised to contact me as soon as they knew something. I had also moved back in to my apartment, though Juuzou practically lived there as well.

Today was my last checkup with the doctor, which I was thrilled about. Seeing him every two weeks had been a bit much.

******

I'd approached the subject of fertility with the doctor hesitantly. I was scared I would hear the words "you won't be able to have kids." But much to my surprise, what came out of his mouth was the opposite.

"Your left ovary remains completely healthy and functional. In the event that you decide to have children one day, you shouldn't have trouble conceiving."

"Well, um, I don't know that I'll be having kids...but...I was so scared it was going to be completely off the table." I let out a sigh of relief.

"Other than that,  any concerns Y-N-chan?"

"No, that's it doctor. Thanks for being so helpful all this time."

I smiled at him and he patted me on the shoulder.

"I hope you'll come back to my office for any future appointments you may need."

******

My phone rang shrilly, causing Juuzou to lift his sleepy head off my shoulder and rub his eyes. He had fallen asleep while we were watching TV, as per usual.

"Sorry, Juuzou," I whispered, before answering the call.

"Yes, is this F/N, L/N?"

"Yes it is."

"This is Officer Akiyama with the Tokyo Police Department. I am calling because I'm the officer who's been switched over to your case. We have a new development in Ikeda Kunio's whereabouts.

I breathed out slowly. "What's that?"

"We were able to find out the general whereabouts of Ikeda. It seems he left the city of Tokyo after your assault, as we were unable to track him down, but it seems he's back now. Five days ago the police were called about a man seen attacking another man in an alley. The witnesses description of the attacker matched Ikeda's description. When we got there, we tested the victim's body for DNA, and the results just came back today. The DNA under the victim's fingernails matched Ikeda's."

"Please..Please tell me you were able to catch him.."

"We were not. Once we got to the scene of the crime, he was gone. Please lock all your doors and windows and stay alert. Try not to go out walking around at night or alone during the day. If anything even remotely suspicious happens, call us right away."

"Thank you. I will."

I hung up the call and looked at Juuzou. "Did you hear any of that?"

He nodded, now wide awake. "I heard everything."

"It's gonna be okay Y/N-chan. I'll protect you if anything happens."

I shook my head. "I don't want to risk you getting hurt Juuzou. I'll..I'll protect myself."

Juuzou sat up straighter and stared into my face. I felt his eyes on me even after I looked away.

****Juuzou's point of view***

_I can't let this happen. I can't lose her too. I have to protect her, whatever happens._

"No." I said loudly. "No, I'm going to protect you. No matter what. You're not at your strongest. You're still getting better, even though you say you're fine."

I clenched my hands into fists.

"I would rather die protecting you, than have you get hurt or killed."

 _I'm not going to_ _fail again at protecting_ _the ones I care about...Not again._ _I won't lose another person because I screw up._

I saw tears begin to stream down Y/N's face.

"Y/N-chan. I... love you. And I'm going to do this no matter what you say. If that ghoul bothers you again, or any other ghoul, or any human for that matter, they'll be dealing with me."

I was surprised to find that tears were collecting in my eyes. I blinked hard.

_I will protect her._

******

I couldn't seem to stop crying. Each tear that fell, Juuzou wiped away.

"I'm.. so scared. I a-almost wish the police hadn't told me. W-what if I'm alone when he comes back for me..I know he will..he's seeking revenge..I'm surprised he hasn't come back yet..He's probably waiting for the right time..I'm...I'm n-not ready to die..I feel like I just started living."

I lay down, my head in Juuzou's lap. He brushed my bangs out of my teary eyes and then continued stroking my hair.

"Let's go to bed Y/N-chan. I have a surprise for you tomorrow. At 8 a.m."

"What's this surprise?"

My curiosity was piqued.

******

A quick knock on the door came promptly at 8 a.m.

"I'll get it~" Juuzou called, running to the door.

He threw it open. A blonde woman with beautiful pale green eyes stood on the doormat.

"Y/N-chan, this is my colleague Mado Akira! Mado-chan, this is Y/N."

The woman extended a hand to me and I shook it, slightly confused. "Nice to meet you, Mado-san..."

I stepped back from the door, gesturing for her to come in.

"Y/N-chan, I asked Mado-chan for a favor. I asked her to help you with your self defense. Since you were always so worried about hurting me, I thought you'd be more comfortable with someone you don't know~"

"Juuzou...I don't want to hurt _anyone_ -"

He interrupted, "Besides, this is just self defense, not fighting, so no one should be getting hurt."

I sighed. "Fine.."

I watched as his face spread into a grin. "I knew this would work! And if I wanted anyone to train you, besides me of course, it would be Mado-chan! She's super strong!"

He almost pushed us out the door.

"Go, go!" He was so excited it was as if someone had just bought him an entire donut store. 

******

"So how was it?" Juuzou asked as soon as I got in the door from training with Akira.

"It went..pretty well actually. I feel a lot safer knowing these techniques. Obviously I still need more practice. But it helped. Thank you so much for setting that up Juuzou."

"We can practice together! I also have a present for you. Be right back~"

He dashed into the other room and came back with a long, thin, box.

"Open it!" He squealed as soon as he put it into my hands.

I grinned, his excitement rubbing off on me.

I took off the lid, revealing one of Juuzou's knives.

My head tilted in confusion.

"I got you a knife that you can actually use against ghouls!"

"So now you're missing one of yours..?"

"Nope!" He grinned.

"What..how did you pull that off? I thought only ghoul investigators could get quinques."

"That's right! I kind of...lied...and said I lost one of mine while fighting a ghoul...so I got a new one. But even if I was missing one, that would be okay! I use Jason more anyway in fights. My knives are just more convenient to carry around all the time~"

I shook my head, but a smile graced my lips. "Thank you Juuzou. This helps a lot."

I stepped towards him and kissed him before wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tightly.

"Thank you." I said again.


	18. Chapter 18

"I dunno Juuzou. I'm pretty sure Akira would win in a fight between the two of you," I said teasingly.

We were walking down the street hand in hand. It was dusk, and we were heading home from having dinner with Akira herself. I had come to really enjoy her company while she was training me, and now the three of us often went out for a meal together.

"But why would we be fighting? Neither one of us is a ghoul." Juuzou was puzzled.

"It's hypothetical Juuzou. And she would kick your hypothetical butt."

"Mmm.. I don't think so Y/N-chan," he replied, giggling.

Suddenly his eyes widened and he pushed me away from him, out of the crosswalk. I fell, my head striking the curb, and everything went black.

******

Beep. Beep. Beep.

My eyelids fluttered as a light was shined into them.

"She's waking up," a deep, familiar voice stated.

The light was gone and I stared up into Doctor Hiraki's kind face.

"Good morning. Can you tell me your name, your birthday, and what city you live in please?"

I did as he asked, knowing he was checking for memory loss.

"Good. Now.. Do you remember how you got here?"

I thought back. Flashes of memory erupted behind my eyes.

A crosswalk. Bright lights. Juuzou's red eyes wide with fright. Falling.

"I remember... But I don't understand exactly what happened... Do I have another concussion.. Where's Juuzou?!"

Doctor Hiraki sighed. "No, you show no signs of concussion, which is surprising considering you lost consciousness. Suzuya is... In surgery. He was brought to us in critical condition."

The blood drained from my face. "Is he... Is he going to be okay?" My voice trembled.

"It's touch and go right now. Dr Kanou is an excellent surgeon... If a little... _Eccentric._ "

That name sounded vaguely familiar. Then again, Juuzou and Ihad both spent a lot of time here, so that wasn't surprising.

"Doctor Hiraki... What happened? I don't understand even though I remember everything up until I blacked out."

"From witness reports... It seems you and Suzuya were crossing the street, when a car barreled through the crosswalk. Police believe the driver was drunk. Suzuya pushed you out of the way, which is why you have virtually no injuries except for bruising. But he was unable to get out of the way before the car hit him."

My head was spinning.

_Juuzou..._

_The only danger we've been on the lookout for is Ikeda... What we should have been scared of is crossing the street..._

_Juuzou... Please be okay. I'm not ready to go on without you... It feels like I just found you..._

"When will he be out of surgery?"

"There's no way of telling. Trauma surgery can be hours. I'm not sure what his injuries are because I'm not the doctor on his case. But I promise to let you know as soon as I find out anything."

"Thank you Doctor."

He patted my arm reassuringly. "Try to get some rest."


	19. Injuries

  
  
  
"He has seven broken ribs, the right lung was punctured and collapsed, we were unable to save it so we were forced to use a donor lung. He lost a lot of blood from internal bleeding, so a blood transfusion was given. His left leg has a fractured tibia and the tendon in his ankle was torn. We were able to fix the tendon in surgery. He sustained a lot of bruising and lacerations to his face as well but luckily there was no sign of head injury. He still hasn't woken up after the surgery, so prepare for the worst but hope for the best."

_Juuzou...might not wake up?_

I couldn't comprehend this possibility. "He'll wake up. Juuzou is a fighter. He's been through worse than this."

Doctor Kanou nodded. "I'll send Doctor Hiraki in with any other news. He would've wanted to tell you this himself, but he's gone home for the day and he left me a note saying I had to give you an update as soon as Suzuya came out of surgery." The doctor smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. He turned to leave.

"Wait- Doctor Kanou?" He turned to face me again.

"C-Can I see Juuzou?"

"No, I'm afraid I can't let you see him yet. Maybe in a few hours."

****The next day****

Doctor Hiraki entered my room. "You had the nurse page me, Y-N-chan?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. It's just that.. Doctor Kanou wouldn't let me go to see Juuzou all day yesterday. He just kept telling me I needed to wait, and that he wasn't awake yet. But I just wanted to sit with him...even if he wasn't awake."

"I don't see why you can't do that. I'll have your nurse escort you to his room as soon as she's available.

"Thank you so much, doctor."

******

My nurse entered the room ten minutes later. "Are you ready to go see Suzuya-san?"

I nodded and got up from the bed, ignoring the soreness in my back and neck.

I followed the nurse into the elevator, surprised to see she pressed the button to go to the basement.

 _They must have expanded the hospital and needed all the room they could get..._ _I_ reassured myself.

The basement looked like any other floor on the hospital, brightly lit with rows of numbered doors on each side of the corridor. But when we got off the elevator, we were greeted by the sound of a man screaming from one of the nearby rooms.

It distressed me, but the nurse didn't even seem to hear it.

"Here we are, Y/N-chan. Room 43 is Suzuya-san's room."

I thanked her and she walked away, back towards the elevator.

I tapped on the door to Juuzou's room hesitantly, surprised to hear "Come in,"

_Juuzou?_

I pushed the door open and stepped in, unable to believe my eyes. Juuzou was sitting up in bed, awake and alert.

"Juuzou!" I rushed to his bedside, grabbing his hand.

"Y/N-chan! I thought...I thought you left me. I kept...I kept asking for you but Doctor Kanou said you weren't here."

I frowned. "Of course I've been here. I kept asking to see you yesterday and he kept telling me you weren't awake."

Juuzou's face was puzzled. "I woke up right after the surgery yesterday. I don't know what's going on in this place."

"It's okay. I'm here now and I'm not going to leave. They're discharging me today, so I should be able to see you whenever I want. I can sleep here, if they'll let me!"

"I would love that. How are you feeling Y/N-chan?"

"I should be asking you how you're feeling. I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm fine too. I mean, I don't have any pain. But my body's really weak. I tried to get out of bed and I got really dizzy. I can't walk at all since I don't have my prosthetic and my other leg is broken..." he looked down, and I saw tears clouding his eyes.

I squeezed his hand, wishing Icould hug him but scared I'd hurt him if I did.

"It's okay, Juuzou. Doctor Hiraki told me that they're already making you a new prosthetic. It won't be able to store your knives, but once you're out of here the CCG will fix that for you I'm sure."

He spoke without looking at me. "I hate this...I hate feeling helpless. I want to be able to get out of this place already but I know... I know I'm gonna be here for a while."

"Probably...but I'll be here with you every step of the way."

There was a knock at the door, and the nurse entered with a rolling cart with two lunch trays on it.

"Good afternoon Suzuya-san, Y/N-chan! Your nurse sent your lunch down here with me, so you two can eat together."

She left the tray in front of meand left the room.

I picked up one of the trays and set it on Juuzou's tray, the one that slides over the bed.

"Let's eat, Juuzou."

"I'm not really hungry... well I am, but this smells disgusting."

_I've_ _never seen Juuzou turn down food before._ _.._

"Hospital food is pretty nasty." I laughed a little to mask my concern. Once I'm discharged I can bring you better food from the restaurant! But for now, we gotta eat this. You have to eat so your body can heal."

I scooped up a spoonful of broth from the soup they brought, and slurped it up. It wasn't that bad.

"It's not bad Juuzou."

I watched as he too picked up a spoonful of broth and held it to his lips. Repulsion crossed his face, and he set it back down.

"I can't..."

"You're probably still nauseous from the anesthesia you had yesterday. It's okay. I'll let your nurse know."

I pushed the tray away from him before finishing my own food.

I couldn't help but notice the glumness on Juuzou's face, the way he sat with his arms folded, not talking at all.

_I_ _kn_ _ow_ _he_ _'s_ _hurt, and_ _he_ _just had surgery, but something besides that seem_ _s_ _...off._

"Juuzou...is there anything else bothering you, besides..besides the obvious?"

"I dunno Y/N-chan...I just feel weird. I don't feel like myself."

"Do you want me to go get the nurse?"

"No...it's okay. Can you just..can you come here?"

"Juuzou...I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't." He patted the bed next to him.

I carefully laid beside him, putting my head on the pillow next to his, then lacing our fingers together.

With as many injuries as he had, this was as close as we could get to cuddling.

****Juuzou's point of view****

I pressed my nose into Y/N's hair, smelling the fresh scent. Her hair always smelled like it had been just washed, and her shampoo smelled like green apple. It reminded me of candy, and it was a comforting smell.

My stomach rumbled.

_I_ _'m so_ _hungry... I d_ _on't_ _want Y/N to hear my stomach...she'_ _ll worry._ _I wish I could eat something._ _.._

Y/N looked up at me, smiling, but when she met my eyes... fear was written all over her face, and she scrambled off the bed.


	20. Code Blue

 

"Y/N-chan? What's wrong?" Juuzou exclaimed.

I stared at him from a few feet away, my stomach twisting with fear. Whatever I thought I just saw...it was gone. Juuzou was staring up at me, ruby irises hugging his black pupils, dilated with fear.

"N-nothing. It's okay. I'm just really tired and I'm...I must be seeing things."

I hesitantly approached his bed again, laying down next to him cautiously.

"Y/N-chan...I'm sleepy," he said, yawning and laying his head on my shoulder.

I stroked his messy hair, trying to finger comb the tangles out, noticing how striking the dark locks were against his pale skin. He was already asleep, tiny snores escaping his lips.

I decided I may as well take a nap too, but just as I closed my eyes, someone knocked at the door.

Your nurse entered.

"Y/N-chan, it's time for you to fill out your discharge papers," she whispered, noticing the sleeping Juuzou.

I got off the bed carefully and followed her.

I signed the papers quickly and handed them back to her. She smiled brightly.

"I'm just going to go home and get a change of clothes, then come back. I was hoping I'd be allowed to sleep in Juuzou's room."

"I'm afraid we can't let you do that. Visiting hours end at six p.m." I lookedat the clock, seeing it was 5:45 p.m.

"But..last time Juuzou was here, I slept in his room. And when I was here, he slept in mine."

"Circumstances... are different this time. We have to enforce the visiting hours in Suzuya-san's current condition."

I felt tears pricking the backs of my eyes.

"What do you mean, current condition?"

"I legally can't discuss that with you. Visiting hours begin again at eight a.m. tomorrow."

I was shocked at the nurse's now-cold demeanor. She had been so friendly before.

I headed back to Juuzou's room for the remaining ten minutes of visiting hours.

He woke up when I sat down in the chair next to him. He rubbed his eyes sleepily then squinted at me, registering the look on my face.

"Y/N-chan, are you okay?"

"They won't let me sleep here, or even stay here late. They said I have to go home and come back tomorrow."

"That's a little weird. But it's okay. I'll be okay until tomorrow." He forced a smile, clearly disappointed but not wanting to upset me further.

I kissed him on the cheek, avoiding the bruised areas. "I'll be here first thing in the morning. I love you, Juuzou."

"I love you too, Y/N-chan," he said without hesitation.

I left the room quickly, fighting back tears.

_I know it's silly to be so upset about not being able to stay overnight. But I just have this bad feeling..._

****The next morning***

"I'm here to see Suzuya Juuzou."

An uninterested nurse checked me in and fastened a pink wristband around my wrist.

I hurried down the hall, knocking before rushing into the room.

I was so relieved to see Juuzou sitting up in bed, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that something was wrong.

"Where'd you get a coloring book?" I asked, plopping down in the chair by his bed.

"The nurse brought it for me because I told her I was losing my mind from boredom. They usually only give them to little kids." He giggled.

"I'm coloring this cat for you," he said, smiling.

He set the book aside, but not before I caught a glimpse of a cat done in psychedelic colors and patterns.

I grinned and scooted the chair closer to his bed. "I missed you so much last night. The apartment was so empty without you." I moved to take his hand but noticed the IV hooked up to it.

_That wasn't there yesterday..._

"Why'd they give you an IV, Juuzou?"

"Oh..I don't remember everything that happened. There's a gap in my memory.. I remember them giving me a shot and restraining me for a bit..but I don't remember what happened before that..I just remember being really mad...and hungry. I fell asleep after they gave me the shot. Then later in the night my nurse came and forced me to eat. I couldn't stop throwing up after that so they hooked me up to an IV to give me something for the nausea."

"They restrained you?! That's not right...I'm going to go talk to your doctor."

"No! Y/N-chan. Don't do that. He's the one who told them to restrain me..he already knows."

I didn't know what to say. I just looked at Juuzou, feeling helpless. I noticed his cheeks appeared sunken in, probably from not being able to eat.

"Juuzou...you need to eat something...you're already losing weight. You're not going to heal without nutrition."

"I know...I'll..I'll try again tonight...I'm really tired..."

He used what seemed to be all of his strength to scoot over in the bed so I could lay next to him. I quickly fell asleep, having been unable to sleep last night.

******

I was woken up by a loud, droning beep. I sat up. Juuzou was still asleep.

"Code blue, room 49. Code blue, room 49." The loudspeaker announced.

I screamed just as the nurses rushed into the room.

I hurried to get off the bed and backed into the furthest corner of the room, sliding down to sit on the floor, shaking and hugging my knees.

The nurses flattened Juuzou's bed . "Charging....clear." one of the nurses shouted as she placed the paddles on Juuzou's chest.

I couldn't watch anymore. I hid my face, the constant drone of the flat-line echoing in my ears. Suddenly it stopped, replaced by a slow beeping.

"He's back."

I lifted my head, tears streaming down my face. The nurses were raising Juuzou's bed back up, checking his pulse.

As they were exiting the room, I stopped one of them. "Excuse me...Why....why did that just happen??"

"The doctor will be in shortly to answer your questions."

"But-" the nurse shook her head and walked out of the room.

I sat at Juuzou's bedside, crying silently, willing him to open his eyes. He still hadn't done so when the doctor entered the room.

"Hello, Y/N-chan."

"Doctor, what happened to Juuzou just now...Why did that happen?"

"Well, he had a lung transplant. That's not an easy surgery for your body to adjust to. He's been having a hard time with his recovery, as I'm sure you know. He hasn't been able to eat, which is making it hard for him to heal. Even IV nutrients make him vomit. I'm giving him anti emetics, but he's still unable to eat. With the trauma his body's been through, it's not that unusual that he's not up to eating."

_I don't trust this doctor...he seems so dishonest...I feel like he's hiding something.._

I forced a smile. "Okay, well thank you doctor Kanou."

He nodded and left the room brusquely.


	21. Either or

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible trigger warning for suicidal thoughts/actions.

  
  
  
When I arrived the next day, braving the crowded, rainy streets to get there, I was surprised at how much better Juuzou looked than he had the day before. I couldn't believe this was the same boy who was previously unable to eat and whos heart had stopped. He had some color to his cheeks and was sitting on the edge of his bed, both legs dangling down

"You're looking better today Juuzou. Oh! They gave you a new leg already?"

"I feel a little better Y/N-chan. Yes they did! It's just temporary, but I can finally get out of bed! I walked a bunch of laps around this floor this morning on crutches...which is harder than it seems."

"That's impressive Juuuzou. I can't walk on crutches without falling on my face."

"Oh..I fell a few times. But I'm okay! The nurses made me stop after the third fall."

You shook my head, but I couldn't help but smile. "You should be more careful, your other leg is still broken Juuzou."

"Oh, the doctor said it's healing really well. He said he may have been mistaken and it wasn't broken after all." Juuzou shrugged, but my brain was sending off alarm bells again.

A nurse knocked on the door. "Suzuya-san, has nurse Saki come past your room today?"

"Mhm! She was in here earlier to take my blood pressure but she left after that."

"Where could that girl be?" The nurse muttered under her breath, not intended for us to hear.

I heard her knock on the door of the room next-door too, asking the same question of the patient there, but I couldn't hear their response.

****One hour later****

I got up from my chair, stretching, tired of sitting after watching an hour of T.V. I walked over to the built-in bathroom, not seeing the look of unease on Juuzou's face as I turned away from him.

I opened the door, as I walked in, fumbling for the light switch, my foot hit something. I found the light and looked down, gasping, clapping a hand over my mouth.

I had found Nurse Saki. Or rather, her remains.

"Ooooh, Rei-chan, I told you this was a bad idea. I told you someone would find her. Now mama will be cross again. I'm going to be in trouble now."

I turned away from the bloody sight at my feet. Juuzou was crouched on the chair I'd just been sitting in, swaying back and forth, his pupils constricted, lost in the crimson of his irises.

"Juuzou...did you..."

Everything made sense; why he looked so much healthier today...he had eaten.

"I told her it was a bad idea!" He cackled. "I told her it was bad but she did it anyway! Now I won't get any good boy points!"

I slowly backed out of the room. Juuzou didn't even notice, just continued to speak to himself, laughing dementedly.

Once I was out of the room I ran down the corridor. By the time I reached the nurses station I was sobbing.

I slammed my hand on the counter, trying to catch my breath. The nurse who'd been searching for nurse Saki earlier looked at me, brow furrowed.

"Juuzou...Juuzou killed nurse Saki."

The nurse set down the chart she was working on and picked up the phone. She was so calm. She dialed an extension and waited while it rung.

"Yes, Doctor Kanou? Number 155 did it. Yes. Alright. I'll do that."

It was as if the nurse had forgotten about my presence. She opened up a drawer under the nurse's station and took out a small lock box, opened it with a key from her lanyard, and then headed towards Juuzou's room.

I trailed after her, unsure why I didn't just leave. I should be running as far from here as possible. But somehow...I couldn't blame Juuzou for snapping. It was bound to happen.

_If I were in his position, I would have snapped already. I know that he must have figured out they changed him into a ghoul...he's an investigator after all. He knows the signs of being a ghoul. I don't know why I didn't realize it. That first day when I saw his eye change...I knew. I knew but I denied it._ _If I'd said something that day... Maybe things wouldn't be happening like this..._

I hid behind the wall separating Juuzou's room from the next patient's, one eye peeping around the corner. I watched as the nurse tried to grab his wrists and he kept evading her attempts.

I watched as she pissed him off one too many times, and his left eye became red and black. His body contorted slightly and from his shoulders burst underdeveloped fiery wings.

The nurse stepped back, her exterior was calm but I saw the fear in her eyes.

He stepped towards her, though he was physically shorter than the nurse he seemed to tower over her.

Without thinking, I stepped into the room.

"Juuzou!" I shouted. He turned his head slightly towards me, but didn't back off from the nurse.

"Juuzou, stop. Leave her alone."

It was as if he couldn't hear me. I couldn't reach him. The Juuzou I knew and loved wasn't present at this moment. The space in his mind was occupied only by Rei-chan, and by this new Juuzou...Ghoul Juuzou.

I knew I had to act quickly.

I pulled out my knife from my purse (the knife he'd given me) and before he could react I jammed it into his arm. This distracted him long enough for the nurse to pierce a syringe into his other arm. Almost instantly, the kakugan faded and his kagune shrunk back into his flesh.

He slumped down to the floor.

I sat down next to him. "Juuzou?" I questioned, not sure whether or not he was still in there.

"Ma'am, I need to lock this room now. Doctor Kanou will be in to examine Suzuya-san soon. He needs to chart the...progress...he's made."

"Then lock me in or don't lock it at all. You tranquilized him. He's not going to do anything now."

She looked unsure, but slowly backed out of the room, seemingly afraid to turn her back on Juuzou.

"Juuzou?" I said again. He raised his gaze from the floor and then looked into my eyes. In their depths you could see that he was back.

The RC suppressant and tranquilizer combination had calmed not only his ghoul faculties but also his mind. Rei-chan was gone and for this moment, only Juuzou remained. The precious Juuzou that I know and love, the one willing to do anything to protect me, including lay his life on the line. He had come so far since I had met him. In this short time, he had gained so much understanding for others feelings, and his own, following what happened to Shinohara. He had matured from a remorseless, almost sadistic investigator with little to no compassion, into a wise, understanding one who was brilliant at his job and admired by others at work and outside of work as well. I loved him either way but I would hate to see him backslide now, for his own sake. But how could he not after what had been done to him, the latest installment of abuse or mistreatment in his life.

"Y/N-chan..what have I done...what have I done?"

With that vocalization, tears streamed down his face. He slammed his fist against the floor.

"I killed someone! I killed someone and it wasn't for my job. And no one forced me to do it either! I killed an innocent person...an innocent human. I'm a monster...I kill ghouls as my job...now I've become one...so what does that say for my own life? I should take my own head off just like I've done to thousands of ghouls!!"

Before I could stop him he grabbed my knife from where it lay on the floor beside me.

"I shouldn't be alive. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be like mama!!" he began to sob, holding the knife to his throat.

I knew I had to get the knife away from him, but didn't know how to physically do it without him making the cut.

"Juuzou....you're not a monster. This was done to you...you had no choice. Just like.... just like your past was done to you and you had no choice. You're a victim in these situations. But the Juuzou I know doesn't stay a victim. He gets back up again and again no matter what happens to him. So don't let yourself become a victim of your own mind. You can get back up from this too. I promise, we will figure something out."

The sobbing died down. His fingers became limp and the knife fell to the floor. I reached out for him and he fell into my arms.

'I'm sorry," he whispered.

"It's gonna be okay. You told me those exact same words at the beginning of the ordeal with my mother. And while I brushed them off at the time as just something people say, you were right. Things ended up being okay. You want to know why? Because I had you. And you have me. Whether you're a human, or a ghoul, I'm not leaving you. You're stuck with me."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, thats the end! I was actually really sad that it was over so I started up a part two on Wattpad that can also be read as a standalone. It takes place three years after this story. Let me know if you want me to start posting that one too!


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